Archive for the ‘Relationship Tips’ Category
A Tiny Breakthrough Can Make All The Difference in Your Relationship
If you want to change how things are in your relationship, then it’s up to you!
Your partner is NOT going to change just because you want a healthier relationship. All humans are predominantly driven by an element of WIIFM. What’s In It For Me?
The first step has to start with you.
When you make changes in your attitude, perspectives, awareness, and behaviour, that’s when the dynamics in your relationship start to change.
Your partner may make not one jot of change! But still your relationship is different. It may improve just because you are in a different head space. Even if it doesn’t shift your partner’s attitudes, perspectives, awareness, or behaviour, you are still better informed about your relationship. You’re in a better place to make informed decisions.
That’s why I regularly work with just one party in a couple relationship. Because it’s amazing what can happen if you take back some sense of control or even if you “let go”.
... like ripples in a pool ...
Thanks to Karen Wallace from The Calm Space‘s recommendation, I was reading a simple blog post by Miki De Vivo of The Still Space.
She wrote about how she made one change in her life and how it created a little win for her as a parent. I loved how she sat with this little tiny win that perhaps only she would notice, and felt satisfied. She knew it wasn’t world-shaking, but it just might shake HER world!
Wouldn’t you like that to happen in your world? How much of a difference would it make if that little change was in your relationship? How would that impact your happiness and contentment?
Like ripples in a pool, a tiny attitudinal change can help you become less stressed about how your relationship is being shaken up by parenting, money woes, your sex life, sharing the chores, or even that intrusive Mother-In-Law!
Would you like to try it and see?
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Chris Owen of Pink Apple
I’m a Melbourne-based Relationship Advisor for couples who fear that their second marriage could fall apart just like their first did.
I help them by reskilling them, in effective relationship behaviours, so they can be confident they won’t go back to old patterns!
Why not follow me on Facebook where I share my own and all sorts of other resources?
Warm regards
Chris Owen
Do You Remember Your First Kiss?
Keeping the Kissing Thing Going
Seeing we started a kissing theme earlier this week, let’s keep going?
When you’re in your 50s like me, remembering back to your first kiss might be a stretch!
Or perhaps, YOUR first kiss was so dazzling that you became totally hooked and you’ve never been able to give up your addiction. And you’ve certainly never FORGOTTEN it, or it’s after effects!
The fact that I have such foggy memories of my first kiss says to me it wasn’t too sparkling!
I think it was at a school dance in one of the few unpatrolled corridors of the local boys school.
Nice but brief if I recall.
Definitely not sordid but nothing to write home about. (Sorry Kevin wherever you are!. At least, I think his name was Kevin!)
That’s damning it with faint praise isn’t it? “Nice”! (aka: is that all there is?)
Tell Us The Truth About Your First Kiss?
What about you?
Was it a kiss stolen in the dark of the cinema, or in a dark corner of the bus stop? Was it what you expected? Was it romantic or just plain boring?
Were you worried about technique? About how to stop your nose from getting in the way? Or how to breathe through a long snogging session? (Were my friends and I the only ones who discussed these technique issues?)
Did it take your breath away? Or was it “nice” but infinitely forgettable like mine?
Were you instantly in love? Or just turned on to the pleasures of lust 
?
How old were you?
When was your last public pash?
How much are kisses still important to you?
What part do you think kisses play in a healthy relationship?
Come on, let’s talk KISSING?
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Chris Owen of Pink Apple
I’m a Melbourne-based Relationship Advisor for couples who fear that their second marriage could fall apart just like their first did.
So I help them by reskilling them in effective relationship behaviours so they can be confident they won’t go back to old patterns!
Why not follow me on Facebook where I share my own and all sorts of other resources?
Regards
Chris Owen
Simple Relationship Advice for Social Media Lovers
Today in the Melbourne Herald-Sun, it was reported that a small study conducted by Relationships Australia suggests that Facebook and other social media is impacting relationships. Relationships Australia says:
Lovers on the rocks are now airing issues in counselling sessions that have arisen from social media, chat rooms and dating websites…
Yes social media is fun and a quick and savvy way to keep up with each other, but I’m sorry I don’t think you can link social media to CAUSES of relationship breakdown! It’s more like a way of seeing a symptom of problems!
True, you might find FUEL for your conflicts on social media, but if it wasn’t there, it would be on your partner’s mobile, or at the pub, or anywhere that the usual relationship conflict issues arise.
If trust (jealousy) is an issue in your relationship, then it will be; whether you’re on Facebook or not!
If you’re feeling rejected by your partner, then if it wasn’t your partner’s time on Twitter that was leaving you dejected, it would be something else.
Be brave and talk about it, preferably staying grown up and without fighting!
But if you do, then Fight Fair! (More on that later!)
And if you can’t do either of those then get some help!
I have a FEW empty appointments at the moment so give me a call if you need to.
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Chris Owen of Pink Apple helps people create Better Relationships
Chris Owen is an Aussie-based Relationship Advisor who muses on relationships, and helps couples make their relationships joy-filled – before it’s too late!
She shares resources, offers support, and debunks myths on Facebook and Twitter as well as here at the Better Relationships Blog.
Finding the Right Relationship Coach for You
I have the best job in the world. I help to turn ‘blah’ relationships back into ‘wow’ ones. What more could I want out of life?
Today I want to talk to you about how to choose the right relationship coach for you and how to know when you need one.
I think people often think that couples who see a relationship coach must be knocking at the door of the divorce court. You know, it isn’t always that way. Often the couples who seek coaching are looking for a better way to relate. They want to improve what they already have. Isn’t that beautiful?
Sometimes, though, the couples who come to me are those who have reached a plateau in their relationship. The zing has gone and routine has set it. That isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it is a stage that most relationships go through. You can decide to keep living that way or you can learn how to add spice back to the relationship.
Of course, I do have couples coming to me as a last ditch attempt to resolve issues in their marriage before they head for divorce. I am always impressed with these couples and their commitment to each other. Isn’t it wonderful that despite feeling angry or frustrated with each other, they still love their partner enough to work at staying together?
If you are feeling flat in the relationship then you could need a coach. No, you don’t have to feel unhappy with the relationship. Remember, coaching is all about finding a better way to do things.
What To Look For
How you choose a relationship coach is a personal decision. You really need to connect with your coach and feel trust and confidence in her. I recommend that you talk to some different coaches before making your choice. Here are some things that I think are important to look for in your coach:
1. Connection. Did your coach understand what you were saying? Did you feel some rapport with her?
2. Listening. Did your coach pay attention to both partners? Did they seem to ask the right questions? Did they talk too much?
3. Positivity. The coach needs to be cheerful and positive. If she is not, how can you feel sure that she can see the way ahead?
4. Qualified. Make sure that the coach has proper qualifications and experience. Never go to an amateur!
5. Available. By this I mean that your coach offers coaching in ways or at times which suit you. The programs that she offers are suitable for you and you can cope with them.
Relationship coaching is all about understanding what you want and need in your relationships. It is about really connecting with you as individuals and building a trusting relationship between us.
I know, when I’m exploring solutions to a problem, I have to “feel” confident that person is right for me. You will know when you find the right person. You will feel comfortable and willing to talk to her. You will know that the coach is hearing you and see that they are skilled in what they do.
If you think your relationship could do with a bit more zing then consider finding a relationship coach who talks your language. Together you can add some spark back to your world …
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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.
If you want a better relationship, but don’t know how to get it, then why not follow the beating heart in sidebar of this blog and take the Relationship Mojo Test? You’ll receive Chris’ free E-Book Your Relationship: From Mojo to Marvellous to help you improve your relationship. Oh and there are other bonuses to be found on the other side of that beating heart!
When Walking Away is the Best Relationship Advice …
If you were happy all the time in your relationship, then most of you probably wouldn’t be bothering to read Pink Apple’s relationship advice.
So let’s assume that like all humans, not every moment of your relationship is a blissful event. (If it is I want to talk to you and get you secrets!)
What’s more, in your loving relationship, there’s probably the occasional little quarrel, the odd fight, a quick snipe or two, the rare screaming match, a few disagreements and sometimes war breaks out!
Have you ever come across someone who told you they don’t fight?
Did they share this interesting information with a slightly righteous posture? Did they seem just a little smug?
Of course they may be telling the truth, they may both be extremely conflict averse! The thought of conflict may terrify them out of their wits. So much so that they would no more “go there” than they’d step on a landmine! However that scenario has it’s own drawbacks which is a topic for some other day.
Just be reassured that most people in relationships fight – in some form – at some time!
And that’s perfectly OK!
There is nothing wrong with having a fight.
The only way it will harm your relationship is if you don’t heal the relationship after the conflict.
But sometimes fights get out of control don’t they? (And no, I’m not necessarily talking about “fisticuffs” or domestic violence. And probably not even emontional abuse!)
Sometimes you say things you don’t really mean! And they’re out of your mouth before you’ve really put your brain into full gear!
After you’ve cooled down you may even forget you’ve said it. But maybe those few words, are burned into your partner/mum/dad/friend/sister/s brain. Seared there forever with the scar an endless irritant.
And all for what? Was the fight worth creating that scar? Did the topic really matter that much? Was the poin THAT significant?
You see that’s why…
… the best relationship advice is to walk away.
And no I don’t mean stomp out of the room in a huff! (One of Pink Apple’s occasional failings I’m afraid! Usually accompanied by an oh-so-satisfying slamming of the door!)
I mean zip your lip for the millisecond that it takes to register that:
- you’re not actually in good control of your emotions
- you haven’t got the whole issue in perspective
- this is about a myriad of other small unconnected irritants
- this may not actually matter in 24 hours, next week or next year.
And then take a deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath
Say something like, “I know I need to gather myself together. Can we come back to this when I’ve collected my thoughts and calmed down? I really want to have this discussion, just not in this way!”
… and walk away and do just that!
Go take a walk around the block. Go sit in the toilet and deep breathe for five minutes. Go and channel the energy into something fruitful. Just go …
… and come back later, just as you promised, and complete the discussion. (And I don’t mean days/months/years later)
Try it and let me know how you get on?
In fact, if you have tried it either successfully or abysmally failing, share your thoughts and comments below! Read the rest of this entry »
Writing Your Way to a Better Relationship
A while ago we moved Mum into a nursing home. That meant cleaning out her house. Predictably for an elderly lady, there were lots of crap things. We knew that in amongst the crap, were bound to be things of sentimental value, antique value, and just plain precious to Mum for no reason we could think of! We had to try and honour all those things and be practical too!
But, as we all know, one woman’s precious CAN be another woman’s crap, so it was a wee bit stressful and draining!
However, I made one very precious find almost by accident.
Tucked into an old, small, wooden cigar box, that must have belonged to my Dad many years ago, I found three letters in my father’s bold, beautifully-crafted, and unmistakeable handwriting.
Yeah! You guessed it. I opened them.
In my defence, I had some conscience. It took me quite a while to pluck up the courage to go plundering my parent’s relationship.
But how glad I was! As I sat there with tears pouring down my face (I’m even crying now as I recall it) I felt so blessed to have this little glimpse into their early and precious relationship.
Are you shocked …
… at me invading my parent’s privacy like that?
I’m sorry if I’ve gone plummeting in your estimation! But now that Mum’s memory has gone, it’s us, her daughters, for whom these letters have become precious. So I have no doubt in my mind any more. I did the right thing. The contents of that wooden box are now even more precious!
But opening that box was such a grief-flooding moment. I could feel the physical hurt in my chest, as I caught sight of Dad’s handwriting again, after so many years.
At the sight of those letters lying in their simple wooden cradle, I just reacted. I HAD to touch those letters, those connections with the Dad I’d lost to death, and the Mum I was losing to a disease gobbling away at her brain cells, days by day.
I ran my fingertip over the writing on the envelope.
I’d never had the chance to have an adult relationship with my Dad, he died before we had a chance to get over the polar opposite positions of my adolescence and his old age. So despite the intervening years, the yearning in me is still powerful. I endlessly seek to know my father as a man, the way most people get to discover their parents once they become adults and parents themselves.
In that old cigar box, were three beautifully-scribed love letters, written by my Dad to my Mum in the mid-1940s around the time of their engagement.
It suddenly felt like I was in the middle of a war-time movie. My mum and dad seemed to leap out of the photo albums and come to life, 40′s fashions and all!
I saw two people I knew so well in a totally new and different light – madly in love. I’d never seen signs of romance, open affection, or anything else overt between them. This was a window into A Fine Romance, a war-time romance between a quiet shy man and his friend’s secretary.
In his letters, Dad talked of how much he missed being with her, how it felt to leave her, and how wonderful it felt to see her again.
They were simple messages. Simple words. But powerful emotion.
The joy and excitement of his love was there in the respectful words, the gentle, tender wooing, and the encouragement he gave her. Without even a hint of eroticism, his ardour and desire for her jumped off the page.
It left me thinking about my own relationship, and grateful that some day our children will find our love letters too.
What legacy of your love are you leaving?
What do you think your children will discover after they’ve buried you?
(What’s that? Am I being a bit too confronting? Sorry, but we NEVER know when death will separate us from our loved ones. Hence why we need to love well – right now!)
The quick emails, and text messages that we tend to exchange now, won’t even exist. They’ll be gone into the technical ether.
Let’s get down to tin tacks here. Have you ever written a love letter?
Have you ever received one? Do you remember what it felt like to receive it? When I receive a love letter, the rawness and vulnerability of the message of love will bring tears of gratitude and intense emotion.
Have you kept these precious love letters?
There’s a strong argument for not losing this old and cherished skill. That is, apart from the sheer joy of receiving love letters, of course.
How much poorer would the world be if Byron hadn’t written of his love? If Charlotte Bronte or Napoleon had used texts? If Elizabeth Barrett Browning or CS Lewis had whipped off a quick email?
Have I got you thinking?
So, what do you want your partner to know about your feelings?
How often do you convey that?
So what’s stopping you from saying those things in a love letter?
Are you scared of writing a love letter? Do you think letters are only for when someone is far away? Do you believe you’re not capable of flowery/romantic language, or even of writing a letter any more? Do you think your Significant Other will think you’re an idiot?
Go on, the challenge is out! I dare you to try it. Who needs wireless broadband when you’ve got a pen?
If I’m talking to the converted, why not add some extra impetus to my argument by sharing your story in the comments below. Read the rest of this entry »
Have the Kisses Changed in Your Relationship?
I’ve got a few impertinent questions for you! After all, I am a Relationship Queen and part of my job is to throw out challenges! So …
What’s the best kissing memory of your whole life?
Do you believe that long languorous kisses only belong to new lovers? Or in movies and TV Shows?
Do your long languorous kisses only belong in the bedroom, once you’re married/partnered? Or at least in the privacy of your own home?
Be honest! Do long languorous kisses still have a regular place in your relationship? Do you at least do them in front of your kids?
What does a long languorous kiss mean to you?
I know it might seem like old Pink Apple has not had enough lip action, not played enough tonsil tiggy, and has generally resorted to getting her pleasures vicariously. But it’s not true. I’m perfectly happy with the kissing action in my life. But my question is, are you?
Kissing is such a funny thing.
Do you remember your first ever romantic kiss?
Girls (and I guess boys) talk about it endlessly when we were teenagers. I’m guessing that much adolescent (or pre-adolescent -sigh!) effort is put into becoming skilled at it. How do you do it? What about noses? Who moves their head? How do you breathe? What about tongues? It’s all so exciting, and just a bit scary.
We give it all kinds of names. Snogging, pashing, necking, petting, smooching, sucking face. Every era has a different name for it!
And then when we become partnered, kissing can become a perfunctory part of every day life. There’s hellos and goodbyes, and sometimes not even that. There’s birthday and Christmas kisses. There’s kisses in the bedroom that are meant to send not-so-subtle messages.
But what happened to kissing for its own sake?
So recently I put one of my Relationship Tips up on the Pink Apple Facebook Fan Page and suggested a long languorous kiss just before you head out the door.
You see, it doesn’t take a lot to make you both stop and remember that this is your “Relationship” as much as it is your daily life. Try surprising your partner with a long kiss just as you’re about to go out, and what happens?
Now if we assume you don’t suddenly decide to be late for the party and turn around and head for the bedroom…
What happens is that your surprised partner suddenly remembers who you are and why they love you. The rest of your evening is spent with both of you just slightly distracted and with a secret smile hovering on their lips. There’s hopes that perhaps the kissing may return when you get home. You share a tiny little secret between you and the sense of connection between you is heightened.
They all sound like pretty good things for any relationship.
But, of course, you don’t necessarily need to be going out to break the monotony of daily life together, by injecting this spicy kiss into your twosome. It just needs to come at a time when your partner is least expecting it. It needs to be a sexy kiss at a time when sex is not really an option. Of course the point is to build some sexual tension/energy.
It could be the morning kiss as you depart for work that gets the long languorous touch! Or maybe the one in the kitchen while you’re preparing dinner that evening (together of course!) That’s a good one because while your kids may protest at the “obscenity” of their parents being “yucky” or disgusting, the message you send about you as two people who love each other, is REALLY IMPORTANT! It’s good modelling of positive relating. And that’s one of your jobs as parents!
Or maybe, you want to be a bit more public and choose the escalator at the local shopping centre, or a lift!
Anyway you get the message …
And maybe you’ve even got some suggestions …
Feel free to leave a comment!
So my challenge to you is to give it a try and see what response you get! Go slap a kiss on that partner of yours that will take his/her breath away.
Don’t forget to come back and tell us how it went! Read the rest of this entry »
Hug Your Relationship
There’s no one single clue to Better Relationships.
There’s no one simple action to miraculously change your relationship for the better.
But there are a million little things that, when combined, will make a big difference.
Today’s is a hug!
Here in Australia, hugs happen everywhere.
Some hug on arrival, some on departure, some even both.
Some hug at great news, some at great sorrow.
But there are some unwritten rules about social hugs. The main one is that you don’t hang on for even a second longer than is appropriate! It’s got to be a cursory hug.
So if that’s what you do in social settings, how do you hug your partner in life?
The same?
Why?????????????
Out of habit, that’s why!
But hey, would you “air-kiss” your partner? No! Of course not. So son’t social hug him/her either!
Tonight when you get home, try holding your hug for at least 3 seconds longer than normal.
Lean into that hug, feel where you’re touching him all along your arms. Feel where he’s touching you along your body. Be in the moment and soak it all uo.
Then let me know how good it was!
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If you’d rather get a short message from Pink Apple then become a Fan on FaceBook. I’m adding a Relationship Tip there every day.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
How Compliments Build Relationship Energy – Let’s Create A Benefits List
It’s a simple thing to compliment someone.
But surprisingly many of us struggle with giving or receiving compliments or both.
If you want the person you love to know you love them, then compliments need to be part of your daily relationship toolkit!
Let’s assume you know how to give a compliment. (If you need some help send me an email, a FB message, or a DM on Twitter and I’ll send you a tipsheet.)
Let’s also assume you know how to receive one. (Yes that’s right, just say Thank you, is all!)
So what’s in for you to give compliments out (AT LEAST ONCE A DAY to your lover, kids, and friends and colleagues)?
Benefits of a Good Compliment Each Day.
- More smiles in your day, improving everyone’s wellbeing.
- The people around you feel respected and affirmed by you.
- People around you whose Love Language is Words of Affirmation get a laser-like message of your affection and love.
- Reignited romance in your love life, and who knows what benefits that might create!
- Heightened co-operation in your family and household. The kids might even help with some chores!
- With improved emotional wellbeing, comes improved physical well-being and reduced risks of physical illness and dependence on alcohol, cigarettes and overeating.
- Leaving a legacy to the world of well-rounded, assertive, and compassionate children, and others, influenced by you.
Now that’s just a few benefits off the top of my head. If you’ve got more suggestions, then send em to me and I’ll add em to the list. Surely between us all we could come up with at least 50 BENEFITS TO COMPLIMENTS or even more!!!!
The challenge is on! (Leave a Reply below and add a benefit!) Read the rest of this entry »
Relationship Advice for the Holiday Season
Good relationship advice comes from lots of sources and I love being your Google for better relationships! I figure that better relationships can come from gathering not just my thoughts but many others as well.
Suzanne Falter-Barns has some thought-provoking advice for looking after YOU in the midst of those who might not “get” the life you choose to live.
I am always reminding clients that there is no such thing as a fully functional family. We all have our glitches. Even when you love your family unconditionally, you don’t have to like the behaviours some members sometimes choose to demonstrate! And sometimes those behaviours can be comments or attacks that will hurt and leave us raw.
So let’s see how Suzanne comes at the problem …
How to Protect a Fragile Platform at Dysfunctional Family Get-Togethers
A holiday reprint of one of my most popular articles…
OK, it’s the holidays. And with the holidays come family. And with family comes either buckets of love and support for your dream … or a certain coolness.
It’s not that all family members mean to be intentionally rude; it just may be that they can’t relate to what you’re up to. Could be you’re the ‘creative one’ in the family, and they just don’t get why you had to quit your job in banking to be a life coach who works nights at Starbucks. And yes, sadly enough, there may be certain family members who are simply jealous – especially if you’re successful doing what you love and they’re not.
You can protect this very important thing you are meant to do. Think of your platform as a tiny, newborn child — one who will thrive, but only if you give it proper nurturing and protection.
May I offer some tips for taking care of your dream baby over the holidays? Top of the season to you!
- Remember that you’re not around to live up to anyone else’s expectations … save for you own. A little affirmation to that end can be really useful when up against it. Try repeating a key phrase to yourself if the going gets really rough, like “I’m more than enough, just the way I am.”
- Hold your work as sacred. After all, it really is sacred, right? If you want to make sure, give it this test: At the end of your life, will you be proud of your dream accomplishments … or filled with regret?
- Interpret criticism, jealousy, and sarcasm as a good sign. It means you’re pushing buttons and sounding true. Not only that, it means you’re making a difference. Small thinkers do find that especially annoying.
- Don’t snipe back — rise above it. Save your energy for the important stuff … like your platform. And make a point of avoiding anyone who has a habit of attacking you or your work. Simply head off to get more eggnog.
- Try a little empathy. Those who take issue often lack a dream themselves. But don’t waste too much time feeling sorry for them – you’ve got work to do!
- Assume a happy mask of detachment. Think like a seasoned customer service pro who is dealing with one of life’s ‘difficult customers’. Remember, their angst is their problem, not yours. (This goes for those who snipe and attack, as well as the obsessive worriers and the non-stop advice givers.)
- Stop hoping for acceptance. Chances are it simply won’t come from some corners… and that’s OK. (See point #1.) Ultimately, being loved by every soul on the planet is not what matters … nor is it even possible.
- Don’t be smug. You don’t have to be — you’ve got the joy of doing your dream!
- Go have a good primal scream when you’re alone. If you’re in an apartment building or have nearby neighbors, close doors and windows and scream into the pillows on your bed. Scribbling with a big black marker on a big blank pad is marvellously satisfying as well.
- Remember to breathe. You really are doing just what you’re meant to be doing.
- Find an ally. For every negative voice in your life, there should be at least one bona fide cheerleader, as well. Get these folks on your side, and make sure you can contact them whenever you need support – and, of course, offer to provide the same for them.
- Limit your contact with the nay-sayers. Who needs ‘em? Just smile and move on … hey, you’ve got your dream to keep you company!
© Copyright Suzanne Falter-Barns
Learn how to get known so you can not only find your biggest audience but you can attract calls from major media and publishers. Check out Suzanne’s freebie, The Platform Jump Starter, at www.getknownnowblog.com
