The lovely Renee Mayne of  Bra Queen, spied this article in a recent newspaper and, using Facebook, dialled up THIS Relationship Expert for my opinions and advice.  Since then, I notice the bandwagon is rolling along nicely as journalists and bloggers hitch a ride.  So why not me too?

I must say some authors are very good at using audacious claims for getting press and web coverage!  If nothing else you’ve got to give Lori Gottlieb a tick for free-publicity and maybe it’s even given her some income!  Because you see, the author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr Good Enough has fanned feminist flames with a nice little dose of audacity!

What am I talking about?

Well, according to The Age and SMH,  this 40-something author claims women should be accepting Mr Good-Enough over the endless search for Mr Right!

Gottlieb’s theory is that if you’ve hit 30, and still haven’t found Mr Right, then you should take her hard-earned wisdom and settle for Mr Good-Enough.  Once you hit her age, and still haven’t found your man, you’ll be rueing the day in your 30s that you knocked back Mr Uninspiring and Ordinary, and kept dreaming of the idyllic Mr Right!

Becky Hugh, another London journo, passionately responded the next day with We Must Never Stop Searching For Mr Right.  Both she and Gottlieb used fictional characters to develop their arguments quoting Jane Eyre, Mary Tyler Moore, Rachel from Friends, and the ubiquitous  Carrie Bradshaw as demonstrating informed decisions.  Come on ladies!  Enough with the emotive stuff!!!!

Here at Pink Apple, I have no need to sell newspapers with outrageous claims or emotive arguments.

But I’m not ashamed to admit that I welcome a chance to air my thoughts so that you, my readers, can tell if I’m someone you’d look to for Relationship Advice.

Really it’s not about whether I agree with Ms Gottlieb, because I think she’s lassoed the issue and dragged it off over a paddock that’s far from the warmth of the farm.

So let’s see what’s at the farm…

What are the important things about choosing a life partner?

Should there be a checklist of ideal qualities?

Should there be a deal-breaker?  Should that be love?

Pink Apple’s Tips on Choosing The Right Partner

1.  Develop communication skills as a journey not a destination.

You’ll never be perfect at communication skills, any more than you will be perfect at anything else.  Like kicking a footy, knitting a complex pattern, or singing a folk song or an aria, it’s always a mix of a bit of talent and endless bloody hard work.  Seek education and feedback, and monitor your skills with endless attention and development.

2.  Learn how to negotiate effectively and become more comfortable with compromise.

Practise these skills in your workplace, amongst friends, and in your family.  Remember that compromise is NOT lying down and being a door mat, or getting your own way!   Learn to recognise your signs of assertiveness and aggression and cultivate win/win moments wherever you can.

3.  Befriend your values and live them

Reflect on what things you could not bear to be parted from in your life.  These are the clues to your values.  Become familiar with them to the point of knowing where they lie in your priorities.  If there’s any checklist to be had, it’s a checklist for you to ensure you’re living by your values.

4.  Know your problem solving styles

We each go about solving problems with our own unique mix of preferences and aversions.  Knowing which parts of the process are your style and what you’ll actively avoid will help your awareness and develop your capacity for negotiation and compromise.

5.  Feel your feelings

Within all non-work relationships, problem solving cannot happen without each having an awareness of facts, as well as the opinions and feelings of the other.  If you don’t know what you’re feeling or can’t put a name to it, then problem solving is compromised.

6.  Cultivate respect and goodwill

One of the key indicators of lasting relationships is not if/how we fight but instead our capacity to heal the relationship after conflicts.  That’s when respect and goodwill become critical ingredients to our ability to create and nurture healing.

7. Learn how to fight.

Picking your battles is the first step in fighting fairly.  Running your negative reactions through the will-this-matter-in-12-months-time meter, is another important element.  Finally if you need to fight then learn to manage your emotions and be ready to go back after the fight and seek to solve the problem

8.   Recognise what you are tolerating in your life and allowing to sap your energy.

Tolerations are the things we put up with even though they conflict with our core values.  Because tolerations commonly fly beneath our conscious radar, they will drain us of emotional energy.  Regularly review your tolerations and declutter them from your physical, environmental, mental and emotional lives.

9.  Be the Right Partner

Show up to every person you meet as the authentic you.  Love yourself, appreciate yourself, take responsibility for meeting your own needs as a matter of daily habit.  You show up as a real and attractive person and not a needy one.

You’ll notice it’s all about being the best you, you can be.

So whether Mr Right has a cute bum, cooks well, loves kids, or is dedicated to work/life balance won’t really matter.

Being the best you you can be will ensure that self-awareness directs your decisions.

(If you struggle with building these skills in being the best you, then seek some professional help.  And keep your eyes open for upcoming Pink Apple Teleseminars!)

Finally, yes love is an essential part of the selection mix. And if I had a couple in front of me, for whom love was not a primary driver , then yes I’d see it as a deal-breaker!

But there was one thing I did agree with in Amy Willis’ article in The Age.  She sought advice from Prof Cary Cooper, a psychologist at Lancaster University:

… women unable to find their dream man should not see themselves as settling for second best.

He said: “No man or woman has all the characteristics you would look for; it would be a miracle to find your number one.

“You have to find somebody with as many good characteristics as possible. The main problem is that many people haven’t worked out what those characteristics are. People need to sit down and work out what they want and then go looking for someone who at least ticks some of your top priorities.”

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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.  I add a Relationship Tip there every day.

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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.

Weddings are now part of life at Casa Pink Apple.  We have three adult sons.  We've already had one wedding, and it's likely there'll  be a couple more. 

Our friends have sons and daughters contemplating the aisle.  Our sons have friends marrying all over the place as well.  In fact, we're baby-sitting our granddaughter next weekend while our son and daughter-in-law attend a wedding.

And after all, as my friends in wedding celebrancy and other wedding businesses tell me, it's wedding season!

That's why I was out on Saturday, in the middle of wedding season. 

I watched a couple whom I've known for many years.  My son was Best Man to his mate from high school days.  I've known the groom for 15+ years and his wife for at least 10.  (They've been going out for 12 years, they tell me!)

To watch them marry was bound to make me reflective, trawling back through my own memories and memories of them.

In fact there's so much to reflect on I thought we might explore the topic in a series of posts. 

Want to join me?

Let's start with the personal.  You, me and a few others.

When I look back on my wedding the thing I remember first is the  that filled the day. 

I was marrying the man I loved.  But the first man I ever loved – my dad – had died just 3 months before. I'd set my original wedding date in the hope that he could be there.  But the cancer got him and swept him away leaving me the only daughter to miss his proud smiling face at her wedding.  I look at my sister's wedding photos, even today, with a tinge of envy at their good fortune.

But it was also the only day my Mum ever brought me breakfast in bed. It was so touching, right down to the freshly cut flower on the tray! Apparently it was a little gift she'd given each of my sister's on their wedding days too.  I felt special, even as I looked at the sadness in her eyes at the aching absence of my dad!

Another thing I remember is feeling exhausted but pumped with adrenaline and finding it hard to get to sleep that night back at our upmarket hotel! 

Not helped by room service taking an hour to bring us some extra pillows!  To this day, SweetP has been convinced they were trying to play silly buggers with the newlyweds.  After all, we couldn't DO anything in case they came to the door.  So we sat twiddling our thumbs for an hour waiting for room service to zip upstairs and then leave us alone!

What about YOU?

When you think back to your wedding, what's the first thing you remember?  Share some of your wedding memories please?

See you soon

Chris

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Chris Owen is a Relationship Advisor and owner of Pink Apple  -  the place to go if you're interested in Better Relationships.

Make sure you've signed up for Pink Apple's enewsletter because it's those people who will get the best deals when Pink Apple's Relating Better programs are released.  Sign up in the top right corner of this site.

This month's theme on The Calm Space is Power and Strength. 

In the Relationship Space, (my little corner of The Calm Space world) this month I've been raising awareness of the power women have over the frequency of a couple's sexual activity.  

Because, in a non-abusive relationship if the woman says no she doesn’t
want to have sex, then the couple don’t have sex.  He might try
wheedling, tickling, kissing, whispering endearments, or a hundred
other possibilities.  But if it’s no, then it’s no go! [more]

When I consider this power, I'm reminded of the kid who used to take control of the garden tap when we were all playing under the sprinklers of our childhood. 

Did you have a big brother/sister or some neighbourhood kid who ran to
the tap and took control of the flow of water?  Turning it up high so
that it sprayed well away from where you stood waiting for that wave of
cool relief.  Or turning it off, and torturing you with their
unrelenting grip on the tap – despite all your pleas and angry screams? [more]

And I'm not necessarily suggesting that this power is only about limiting the number of encounters, plenty of women have high libidos which are stronger that their partner's.  But the same issue remains, the power to be the one in control of "the tap", deciding when it will be turned on and off, is a power to be used like a benevolent dictator as commenter Angela Esnouf shares.  It needs to be used wisely and well.

So I left my readers on The Calm Space with some questions, why not go over and have alook at them?  Maybe you've got something to contribute to the conversation that's started over there. 

Who took our delightfully reminiscent photo?

I know I don't!  I'm pretty happy with what I've got, but I know I won't ever stop aspiring for a better marriage.

In fact I don't know anybody who has a perfect marriage and I DON"T believe they exist.  With humans involved there will always be inherent flaws.  Our egos and the scars of past hurts will always get in the way of being a perfect person. 

So I never believe anyone who says they have the perfect partner or the perfect marriage.

But what's with the obsession about perfection?

I was reading a recent blog post on Organised Thoughts, written by Angela Esnouf  of Creating Order From Chaos (@creatingorder).  She was offering a Productivity Maxim for those of us who may be flawed with a little bit of procrastination in our thinking.

I first heard this one from Sandi Givens as did Angela

But I must say I think that rather than being helpful to procrastinators – it's ideal for perfectionists who'll delay in achieving/doing something so they can keep trying to make it perfect! 

That's a recipe for endless frustration and missing out.

So if you're still waiting for your marriage to be perfect, why not try seeing it as a work in progress and get on with appreciating it and all the other good things in your life?

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Chris Owen is Pink Apple.  She helps couples find the Secrets to Successful Relationships.  She runs groups, and works with individuals and couples.  You can follow her on Twitter (@Chris_Pinkapple).  You can also find her musings at Apple Tart, Joyful Jubilant Learning, and The Calm Space.

But to do that requires us to tune up our radar about ourselves. 

Knowing what we do and how we think and feel now, is the first step to making new choices for changes and improvements in our selves, our relationships, and our world.

So I'm always on the lookout for things that will help make good relationships, and help us all gain greater self-awareness.

Thanks to Belinda Merry's latest newsletter, I have come across this interesting test and basic information about the Right/Left brain phenomenon.

Why not check which way your brain leans and see what that means?

If you don’t believe me, can I ask:

How much does your partner display signs that she/he doesn’t trust you?

And if you keep secrets or tell half-truths are you actually trust-worthy?

By the end of the night, Pink Apple was prattling away, generally enjoying herself as much as you can making conversation with strangers, when the music and the voices just kept getting louder.  (Yes I know I’m starting to sound like a boring old fart!) 

SweetP was exhausted. 

Making conversation takes energy for anyone but some of us it drains and others find it energising! 

Why?  Because we’re different!

In this case, as I’m an extrovert and I get my energy from others, it’s no wonder I was feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed even though my feet were killing me!  Poor old introverted SweetP finds those kinds of events difficult.  As he gets his energy from within himself, having to expend it with other people, especially strangers, drains him and leaves him feeling like a wrung-out rag!

Being different will never ruin a relationship UNLESS you fail to:

• really grasp what the differences are,
• learn how the differences will show up in certain situations, ESPECIALLY times of crisis,
• respect those differences
• accommodate the differences
• allow space for nurturing your partner just as he/she is
• understand how they will show up in problem solving
• honor your partner’s beliefs and self without attempting to change them
• be curious about what it’s like to walk in your partner’s shoes and share with him/her how it is to walk in your shoes.

It’s actually a fascinating journey of discovery that’s lots of fun to explore together.

There are many ways to explore.  Here’s a very brief list of books and websites you might find useful.

• Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence
• The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
• Discovering Your Personality Type: The Essential Introduction to the Enneagram, Revised and Expanded
• www.humanmetrics.com
• www.typelogic.com
• www.keirsey.com

Have fun and let me know how you get on!

Up till now you’ve led a busy life, right?

And now you’ve decided that there’s to be someone special riding your life’s road WITH you.

Neither of you want your own life to be tossed away because you’re a couple.  Right?

But how are you going to blend these two lives …

… without losing what’s important to each of you
… but with respect and acknowledgment of just how important this person is in your world?

Have you made room for Him/Her in YOUR daily life?

Yes Pink Apple understands you’ve been "going out"/dating for a while (at least a few weeks we hope!).  So this person has been in your life in that time.  And perhaps you’ve been having sleep-overs at each other’s homes, or perhaps not. Yes we "get" that there’s been a gradual introduction of this person into your life! 

But, then you were dating!  Now you’re committing!

There’s a DIFFERENCE!

But how is it now going to BE different?

How are you going to make room for him/her EMOTIONALLY,  ENVIRONMENTALLY, and in your DAILY ACTIVITIES and PRIORITIES?

How is she/he going to see that your priorities have shifted to put him/her top of the list?  What will be the clear, totally unambiguous signs?  (You ARE making this person top of your priorities list aren’t you?  If you’re not, then are you deluding yourself, or your partner, about the significance of the relationship?)

But HOW?

• Are you both moving to a new location together?
• If not, how much space is being freed up to blend both of your valued possessions?
• Where are the incomer’s clothes, shoes, furniture, sports equipment, books, CDs, documents going to be? 
• Is there literally enough room?
• Does she/he feel welcomed into the space?   Or, does he/she have to fit in around you?  is it all fair and equitable?  (If not, how is he/she coping with the disrespect you’re showing?)
• Now that you’re going to be a couple together, how will social activities be different?
• Have you negotiated a fair and mutually agreed time with the friends you each have?  (Note Pink Apple said "Fair and mutually agreed"!)
• Are you prepared to leave pub crawls with your mates to a now-past life?  Alternatively will your partner be a warmly accepted regular member of that group?
• What will you do if your friends don’t welcome her/him?  Who will be your priority?
• How will you have interests that are yours alone?  How will you use those interests to bring new insights and pleasures to your couple life?
• How will you spend time with each other’s families?  Even if families are geographically distant, you can still be part of the group. 
• How are you being integrated into his family?  And vice versa?
• How are you going to show up to your partner each day?  How are you going to ensure your partner gets the "real you" rather than the romanticised you?  How will you do that with due respect for him/her?
• What parts of single life will you now let go?
• How will you introduce couple life to your daily activities?

Yes there IS lots to think about, isn’t there?

You’ve fallen in love with this gorgeous, delightful, and endlessly loving man/woman.

You’ve mutually decided you’re going to shift this relationship onto a different plane.  It’s not just about fun and/or lust any more, this one has something different.  It’s special somehow!

So you decide to settle down together with/without the marriage certificate, but certainly WITH commitment.

How have you each come to that conclusion?  Has it been a "feeling"/ you’ve just "known" or has there been a seriously considered, weighing-up of what you are as a couple and how that differs from you as a single?

Are you happy With YOU?

The important thing to remember is (to quote Jon Kabat-Zinn) "wherever you go, there you are".  You’re each bringing a You into this relationship.  And you’re each convinced that you know so much about the other – after all you’re in love aren’t you?

But how much do you really know about your own or your partner’s values?  The guiding principles?  The elements of life that steer his/her course and unconsciously influence her/his decisions?  Without sufficient activities and decisions that meet with your values, life becomes hollow, dissatisfying and eventually soul-destroying.

Assuming that’s NOT what you want for yourself, your partner, or your relationship, then it’s time to take a look at values.

But what the hell ARE values?

Everyone from coaches to marriage celebrants, financial planners to professional development trainers, they all talk about Values.  But what are they?

A value is something that you believe in. Something that is important to you and that you can’t live your life without.

Of course we start out having had our parents’ values carefully planted in our little souls.  But just like it’s important to analyse your parent’s relationship skills (and take what works and discard what doesn’t), it’s also important to identify what are your values and how different or similar they are to those of the people around you.

Several years ago, my son asked that we not get pizzas from the local pizza joint anymore. Seeing my puzzled look, he described watching this man threaten and abuse his wife. "He’s a bully and it wouldn’t surprise me if he whacked her around a bit"  said Wild Boy.  This man’s behaviour had clashed with my son’s values and he couldn’t live with himself if we filled this man’s pockets. 

Just like it becomes impossible to work for any length of time with a company whose leaders’ values differ greatly from your own, it’s impossible to sustain a long term relationship with someone whose values clash with yours.

Some Questions to Get You Started

What do you get out of doing certain activities that seem really important in your life?

eg If you can’t resist freefalling from an aeroplane at 10,000 feet, then perhaps you value extreme adventures.  If you love to read non-fiction or watch documentaries, maybe you value learning.

What qualities do you expect people to have if they’re going to mix with you?

They might include honesty, loyalty, commitment, accountability, a sense of humour etc

So over a hot coffee and a warm fire (it’s VERY wintery here, all I can think about is getting warm) why not prepare and share lists of values.  Be curious.  Talk about them.  Get to know what’s brought your beloved partner to figure these things to be so important.  It’s a journey of discovering more about each other.  That’s always a bonus when building relationships!

Pre-registration?

Pink Apple is planning a short group phone seminar to help you clarify your values.  If you’d like to guarantee your spot in this small group, shoot me an email to be placed on the pre-registration list.  There’s no obligation if the date or time turns out to clash with another appointment. 

While not everyone’s fantasy will have white picket fences, or perhaps even kids running around, one core assumption in this gorgeous fantasy is that it WILL be perfect!

In this fantasy …

There certainly won’t be:

• the kinds of arguments that the neighbours can hear – because you won’t need to fight, you’ll always agree
• diminishing frequency in sexual activity or satisfaction – because you’ll both be relishing endless and frequent stunning sex, like people have in the movies
• interfering extended family – because your family wouldn’t do that
• tiredness and overwhelm – because you can always cope and multi-task and any kids of yours will be well-controlled
• fears about money and bills – because you’ll have made it, and be earning Big Bucks
• any separation or divorce – because your communications skills are superior to everyone’s
• any disagreement about how things "should" be done – because you won’t be bringing any baggage to the relationship
• inequality in sharing roles, tasks and responsibilities – because you’ll be dividing everything 50:50

Is that YOU?

If that’s REALLY all true for you, then all Pink Apple can say is GOOD LUCK!  You don’t need to discover the Secrets of Starting Out Together. 

As Darryl Kerrigan (The Castle – 1997) might say "Tell ‘em they’re dreamin‘."

The reality, from my experiences and observations, is vastly different from this magical illusion.

[By the way, if you know someone preparing to commit to a relationship eg moving in together, or planning a wedding, then please forward this link to them for a read?  Free Relationship Advice never goes astray!]

How Do You Turn that Tempting Fantasy into Something Real but Enticing?

That’s Easy!  You PLAN for it.  You TALK about it.  Just like you’re planning the ceremony, the flowers, the bridesmaid’s dresses, and the cake!

Start with a few chats over dinner or a glass of wine together. 

First describe to each other what the fantasy in your mind about marriage/commitment is like.  Give as much detail as possible. 

Even saying some of the illusions out loud will help you both to start sifting fantasy from reality.  You’ll hear how silly or unrealistic SOME of them are.

Then start negotiating the boundaries of acceptable behaviour that you’ll expect of each other.

Pink Apple will continue to explore some of the areas to discuss in future weekly articles on the blog.  If you’d prefer to receive these articles directly into your Inbox, then email chris.pinkapp@gmail.com and we’ll add your name to our circulation list. 

But I LIKE romance!

And why wouldn’t you?  It’s enormous fun!

Planning a real relationship doesn’t mean you’re doomed to boredom!

You wouldn’t build a house without putting embedding in the concrete slab or the wooden stumps.

You wouldn’t go to an interview for a new position these days without finding out about the company and doing your research and preparation.

So WHY WOULD YOU go into a marriage/commitment to a life partnership without doing the ground work?

Because it doesn’t sound too romantic?  That’s true.  But Romance is intended as a starting point. 

From Romance you get to discover a deep and abiding safety and connection.   To get that you’ve both got to outgrow the fantasies and create a reality. 

Romance and Fantasy are a little like hopping on a theme park ride, like the Giant Drop or The Tower of Terror.  They’re amazingly exhilarating, but they wouldn’t be if you did it multiple times a day, every day of the year!

Don’t get me wrong you still need doses of Romance and Fantasy through ALL the years of a relationship.  It’s just more fun if you’ve got a deeper safety and connection. 

And equally you’d be downright foolish to lose ALL romance and fantasy once your relationship is embedded, because then you’d be tempted to think that relationships are just HARD WORK and they’re NOT!

They’re FUN, BIG FUN!