Archive for the ‘Secrets of Staying Together’ Category
Have the Kisses Changed in Your Relationship?
I’ve got a few impertinent questions for you! After all, I am a Relationship Queen and part of my job is to throw out challenges! So …
What’s the best kissing memory of your whole life?
Do you believe that long languorous kisses only belong to new lovers? Or in movies and TV Shows?
Do your long languorous kisses only belong in the bedroom, once you’re married/partnered? Or at least in the privacy of your own home?
Be honest! Do long languorous kisses still have a regular place in your relationship? Do you at least do them in front of your kids?
What does a long languorous kiss mean to you?
I know it might seem like old Pink Apple has not had enough lip action, not played enough tonsil tiggy, and has generally resorted to getting her pleasures vicariously. But it’s not true. I’m perfectly happy with the kissing action in my life. But my question is, are you?
Kissing is such a funny thing.
Do you remember your first ever romantic kiss?
Girls (and I guess boys) talk about it endlessly when we were teenagers. I’m guessing that much adolescent (or pre-adolescent -sigh!) effort is put into becoming skilled at it. How do you do it? What about noses? Who moves their head? How do you breathe? What about tongues? It’s all so exciting, and just a bit scary.
We give it all kinds of names. Snogging, pashing, necking, petting, smooching, sucking face. Every era has a different name for it!
And then when we become partnered, kissing can become a perfunctory part of every day life. There’s hellos and goodbyes, and sometimes not even that. There’s birthday and Christmas kisses. There’s kisses in the bedroom that are meant to send not-so-subtle messages.
But what happened to kissing for its own sake?
So recently I put one of my Relationship Tips up on the Pink Apple Facebook Fan Page and suggested a long languorous kiss just before you head out the door.
You see, it doesn’t take a lot to make you both stop and remember that this is your “Relationship” as much as it is your daily life. Try surprising your partner with a long kiss just as you’re about to go out, and what happens?
Now if we assume you don’t suddenly decide to be late for the party and turn around and head for the bedroom…
What happens is that your surprised partner suddenly remembers who you are and why they love you. The rest of your evening is spent with both of you just slightly distracted and with a secret smile hovering on their lips. There’s hopes that perhaps the kissing may return when you get home. You share a tiny little secret between you and the sense of connection between you is heightened.
They all sound like pretty good things for any relationship.
But, of course, you don’t necessarily need to be going out to break the monotony of daily life together, by injecting this spicy kiss into your twosome. It just needs to come at a time when your partner is least expecting it. It needs to be a sexy kiss at a time when sex is not really an option. Of course the point is to build some sexual tension/energy.
It could be the morning kiss as you depart for work that gets the long languorous touch! Or maybe the one in the kitchen while you’re preparing dinner that evening (together of course!) That’s a good one because while your kids may protest at the “obscenity” of their parents being “yucky” or disgusting, the message you send about you as two people who love each other, is REALLY IMPORTANT! It’s good modelling of positive relating. And that’s one of your jobs as parents!
Or maybe, you want to be a bit more public and choose the escalator at the local shopping centre, or a lift!
Anyway you get the message …
And maybe you’ve even got some suggestions …
Feel free to leave a comment!
So my challenge to you is to give it a try and see what response you get! Go slap a kiss on that partner of yours that will take his/her breath away.
Don’t forget to come back and tell us how it went! Read the rest of this entry »
Relationship Advice on Tap at Calm Space
As some of you would know, I am a regular contributor of relationship advice to The Calm Space, an online magazine that is like "a virtual day-spa for the senses".
This month's theme on The Calm Space is Power and Strength.
In the Relationship Space, (my little corner of The Calm Space world) this month I've been raising awareness of the power women have over the frequency of a couple's sexual activity.
Because, in a non-abusive relationship if the woman says no she doesn’t
want to have sex, then the couple don’t have sex. He might try
wheedling, tickling, kissing, whispering endearments, or a hundred
other possibilities. But if it’s no, then it’s no go! [more]
When I consider this power, I'm reminded of the kid who used to take control of the garden tap when we were all playing under the sprinklers of our childhood.
Did you have a big brother/sister or some neighbourhood kid who ran to
the tap and took control of the flow of water? Turning it up high so
that it sprayed well away from where you stood waiting for that wave of
cool relief. Or turning it off, and torturing you with their
unrelenting grip on the tap – despite all your pleas and angry screams? [more]
And I'm not necessarily suggesting that this power is only about limiting the number of encounters, plenty of women have high libidos which are stronger that their partner's. But the same issue remains, the power to be the one in control of "the tap", deciding when it will be turned on and off, is a power to be used like a benevolent dictator as commenter Angela Esnouf shares. It needs to be used wisely and well.
So I left my readers on The Calm Space with some questions, why not go over and have alook at them? Maybe you've got something to contribute to the conversation that's started over there.
Who took our delightfully reminiscent photo?
A Perfect Marriage? Is that possible?
Have you got a Perfect Marriage?
I know I don't! I'm pretty happy with what I've got, but I know I won't ever stop aspiring for a better marriage.
In fact I don't know anybody who has a perfect marriage and I DON"T believe they exist. With humans involved there will always be inherent flaws. Our egos and the scars of past hurts will always get in the way of being a perfect person.
So I never believe anyone who says they have the perfect partner or the perfect marriage.
But what's with the obsession about perfection?
I was reading a recent blog post on Organised Thoughts, written by Angela Esnouf of Creating Order From Chaos (@creatingorder). She was offering a Productivity Maxim for those of us who may be flawed with a little bit of procrastination in our thinking.
I first heard this one from Sandi Givens as did Angela
But I must say I think that rather than being helpful to procrastinators – it's ideal for perfectionists who'll delay in achieving/doing something so they can keep trying to make it perfect!
That's a recipe for endless frustration and missing out.
So if you're still waiting for your marriage to be perfect, why not try seeing it as a work in progress and get on with appreciating it and all the other good things in your life?
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple. She helps couples find the Secrets to Successful Relationships. She runs groups, and works with individuals and couples. You can follow her on Twitter (@Chris_Pinkapple). You can also find her musings at Apple Tart, Joyful Jubilant Learning, and The Calm Space.
Better Relationships? Your Brain May Have Something to Do With It
Pink Apple has always been focused on helping couples change and create better relationships.
But to do that requires us to tune up our radar about ourselves.
Knowing what we do and how we think and feel now, is the first step to making new choices for changes and improvements in our selves, our relationships, and our world.
So I'm always on the lookout for things that will help make good relationships, and help us all gain greater self-awareness.
Thanks to Belinda Merry's latest newsletter, I have come across this interesting test and basic information about the Right/Left brain phenomenon.
Why not check which way your brain leans and see what that means?
Secrets of Staying Together: Sex and Pregnancy
If you and your partner are pregnant (yes it's a couple thing not just
a woman thing) then you'll be pleased to hear how important it is to
continue to build intimacy through your sexual relationship during
pregnancy.
Of
course, not all women get that amazing sexual drive in pregnancy, and
for some the thought of sex is a bit ho-hum. But it's worth
perseverance ladies, it's a critical time in BOTH your lives.
As
your baby will impact on your relationship, filling up the emotional
love tank while you're pregnant is a good idea. There'll undoubtedly
be a period where that will be difficult in the early stages of a new
baby so it's super important to look after the relationship while you
have some time.
Lovemaking is one way to do so. Over at Momlogic, there is an excellent article full of advice from an obstetrician about some of the practical issues about sex and pregnancy.
Why are You Staying? [Secrets of Staying Together]
"She’s just so controlling" he said.
So what are you getting out of letting him/her control you?
Because you will be getting something – weird as that may sound!
Somehow, you’ve taught her/him that it’s ok to treat you in a particular way – purely by not stopping it!
Yes I understand you didn’t realise you were doing that, but somewhere along the line, you NEED to draw the line in the sand and say ENOUGH!
Why? Because you’re not happy!
Karen Salmansohn, of Be Happy, Dammit fame, recently wrote about Prince Harming Syndrome. It’s a quirky article but has some serious truths in there. 
I remember once I was sharing a story about a particular Prince Harming with my girlfriend, Joanie, in a café, when the man at the next table interrupted.
“Excuse me,” this stranger said. “I hope you girls don’t mind, but I must confess I overheard you talking….and well…I’m a psychoanalyst…and I’m worried about you,” he said staring directly at me. “Do you mind if I give you my free therapy opinion?” [more]
While Karen’s article is about a bully boy, abusive partners come in both sexes and often in MUCH MORE SUBTLE ways than physical abuse!
So if you’re not happy…
What behaviour of your partner’s are you tolerating with just a hint of Karen’s masochist about you?
Chris Owen and the Shiny Apples Curse
Now isn’t that a title that J K Rowling would be proud of?
Pete Aldin see where you’ve taken me? (No not turning into JKR – I
wish) Or maybe it’s just I’ve been reading Harry and The Half-Blood
Prince, with my venture into Deathly Hallows just ahead of me!
But let’s not diverge!
Some time ago Pete from Great Circle tagged me with a great topic for sharing. But as I’ve said before tags/memes are really a Curse!
So it is with great pleasure I share with you my Best of … series, where I present 10 of my earlier posts that best sum up what Pink Apple is about.
That was actually quite challenging because that old Self-Doubt Demon (I really must come up with a name for it!)
was doing its best to convince me I wouldn’t find any! But, in fact,
while time-consuming, I was quite surprised with what I found in the
archives that I can summon pride in again sharing with you!
If you’re a regular reader, you’ve probably worked out I have lots of interests
- supporting and nurturing women,
- staying sane at Christmas
- small business,
- books and reading, and
- networking,
But my BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal)
is to help couples discover the many and endless moments of joy in
their relationships. I’m doing that by sharing the Secrets of
Successful Relationships.
So the articles that best sum up Pink Apple fall under that category.
Here are links to 10 of my favourites. They’re in no particular order, except occasionally chronological!
It’s very tempting when we’re angry with someone, be it our partner,
colleague, or the Indonesian government, to avoid letting all our
peripheral or past judgments, come into the debate. [more]
Isolation and alienation is a big part of the bully’s toolkit.
Unfortunately, psychological bullying is more likely to be the domain
of women. Women’s skills with relationship-building have a flipside in
the female bully’s capacity to alienate. Other tactics might include: [more]
Listening, Waffles and Spaghetti
Firstly, they point out what listening is NOT. Guys, I think you might sigh with relief as you read these! [more]
Little does she know, as she rests in the dewy-eyed wonder of
her new marriage, that disillusionment is ahead. How will she manage
when the sheen rubs off the relationship? [more]
Because one of the perennial problems that couples find most
hard to get over, is the issue of the sharing of chores! On the
surface, it would seem a simple enough problem to solve.But it’s like a wartime ocean, filled with depth charges and silent, drifting bombs just waiting to explode! [more]
As Doug reminds us, just because you find your soulmate, doesn’t
mean you can take the foot off the pedal, in terms of your efforts and
input into nurturing the relationship. "The great danger of the
soulmate myth is the accompanying belief that the relationship will be
easy over time. Relationships decay when someone puts their feet up." [more]
We can also confuse our LOVERS with our language! And I don’t mean abusive language; or even "talking dirty", for the more risque of my readers!
"I just feel so distanced from him. It feels like he’s pushing me away"
This client "hears" love
in the language of positive affirmations. If her partner criticises
her, then, no matter how lovingly the criticism is delivered, she’s
likely to read that criticism as rejection, and even evidence of
loathing. [more]
Now, I dare any of you to tell me you’ve got the perfect
partner! I even dare any of you to tell me you’ve got the worst
partner in the world! There’s no such thing! All there is, is "good
enough" or "bad enough" to prompt us to make choices. [more]
As I listen to some of my clients, I am sad to hear them relate stories of failing to restrain themselves when it might have helped.
When the fight is on, and it’s far from fair, (and in fact downright dirty), THAT’S the time for restraint. [more]
One of the key secrets to successful relationships is a simple value that our Mums and Dads probably taught us – Respect and Goodwill.
What turns that head-over-heels love into a belief that Your Adored One is always "out to get you"? What would make you think that a nasty attack is the best form of defence? Where has that mean spirit come from and how long do you want to live with it?
For some reason slowly and painfully respect and goodwill have leaked out of the "lovin’ feeling" [more]
