Archive for the ‘Talking Skills’ Category
When Walking Away is the Best Relationship Advice …
If you were happy all the time in your relationship, then most of you probably wouldn’t be bothering to read Pink Apple’s relationship advice.
So let’s assume that like all humans, not every moment of your relationship is a blissful event. (If it is I want to talk to you and get you secrets!)
What’s more, in your loving relationship, there’s probably the occasional little quarrel, the odd fight, a quick snipe or two, the rare screaming match, a few disagreements and sometimes war breaks out!
Have you ever come across someone who told you they don’t fight?
Did they share this interesting information with a slightly righteous posture? Did they seem just a little smug?
Of course they may be telling the truth, they may both be extremely conflict averse! The thought of conflict may terrify them out of their wits. So much so that they would no more “go there” than they’d step on a landmine! However that scenario has it’s own drawbacks which is a topic for some other day.
Just be reassured that most people in relationships fight – in some form – at some time!
And that’s perfectly OK!
There is nothing wrong with having a fight.
The only way it will harm your relationship is if you don’t heal the relationship after the conflict.
But sometimes fights get out of control don’t they? (And no, I’m not necessarily talking about “fisticuffs” or domestic violence. And probably not even emontional abuse!)
Sometimes you say things you don’t really mean! And they’re out of your mouth before you’ve really put your brain into full gear!
After you’ve cooled down you may even forget you’ve said it. But maybe those few words, are burned into your partner/mum/dad/friend/sister/s brain. Seared there forever with the scar an endless irritant.
And all for what? Was the fight worth creating that scar? Did the topic really matter that much? Was the poin THAT significant?
You see that’s why…
… the best relationship advice is to walk away.
And no I don’t mean stomp out of the room in a huff! (One of Pink Apple’s occasional failings I’m afraid! Usually accompanied by an oh-so-satisfying slamming of the door!)
I mean zip your lip for the millisecond that it takes to register that:
- you’re not actually in good control of your emotions
- you haven’t got the whole issue in perspective
- this is about a myriad of other small unconnected irritants
- this may not actually matter in 24 hours, next week or next year.
And then take a deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath
Say something like, “I know I need to gather myself together. Can we come back to this when I’ve collected my thoughts and calmed down? I really want to have this discussion, just not in this way!”
… and walk away and do just that!
Go take a walk around the block. Go sit in the toilet and deep breathe for five minutes. Go and channel the energy into something fruitful. Just go …
… and come back later, just as you promised, and complete the discussion. (And I don’t mean days/months/years later)
Try it and let me know how you get on?
In fact, if you have tried it either successfully or abysmally failing, share your thoughts and comments below! Read the rest of this entry »
When It's Bursting to Be Said
Sometimes old Pink Apple here can be a bit like a broken record when I say that better relationships come from talking about the important things.
Solving problems comes from working through the various stages of Relating Better* (more to come on that very soon!)
The first stage in solving a problem (and in the Relating Better model*) is exploring what that problem really is. Looking at it thoroughly and gathering all the information you know or need about it. That information INCLUDES the thoughts AND FEELINGS each of you have about the problem!
But how often do you want to tippy-toe into what feelings are there, if it's a sticky problem?
After all, your mind is probably screaming at you – "Don't GO THERE, buddy!"
Well today I found another tool that might help. It's written by my favourite relationship experts Ellen Bader and Peter Pearson, whose approach to relationships steers my professional development and influences how I work with couples.
In helping you all have better relationships, I'm always happy to share whatever good stuff I find.
This will be worth clicking through and having a look at!
A lot of stuff gets printed about communication for couples.
However, effective communication on a sensitive topic requires just
FOCUS. That’s right. Focus on two things and your communication success
will soar.Do this and you will look like star graduates of the Dale Carnegie school of How to Win Friends and Influence Your Spouse.
Imagine this scenario: You can no longer avoid a high twitch or
volatile topic and you are sick of discussions going nowhere. You’ve
had it with constantly arguing, or never getting lasting results. It
could be [more]* By the way, have you subscribed to my newsletter? My subscribers get a monthly enewsletter but also get first chances on all new offers. (And with Relating Better programs launching soon, it might be worth your while to hear about them early!) Subscribe in that box up the top right corner of this page.
