Your partner is NOT going to change just because you want a healthier relationship.  All humans are predominantly driven by an element of WIIFM.  What’s In It For Me?

The first step has to start with you.

When you make changes in your attitude, perspectives, awareness, and behaviour, that’s when the dynamics in your relationship start to change.

Your partner may make not one jot of change!  But still your relationship is different.  It may improve just because you are in a different head space.  Even if it doesn’t shift your partner’s attitudes, perspectives, awareness, or behaviour, you are still better informed about your relationship.  You’re in a better place to make informed decisions.

That’s why I regularly work with just one party in a couple relationship.  Because it’s amazing what can happen if you take back some sense of control or even if you “let go”.

... like ripples in a pool ...

Thanks to Karen Wallace from The Calm Space‘s recommendation, I was reading a simple blog post by Miki De Vivo of  The Still Space.

She wrote about how she made one change in her life and how it created a little win for her as a parent.  I loved how she sat with this little tiny win that perhaps only she would notice, and felt satisfied.  She knew it wasn’t world-shaking, but it just might shake HER world!

Wouldn’t you like that to happen in your world?   How much of a difference would it make if that little change was in your relationship?  How would that impact your happiness and contentment?

Like ripples in a pool, a  tiny attitudinal change can help you become less stressed about how your relationship is being shaken up by parenting, money woes, your sex life, sharing the chores, or even that intrusive Mother-In-Law!

Would you like to try it and see?

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Chris Owen of Pink Apple

I’m a Melbourne-based Relationship Advisor for couples who fear that their second marriage could fall apart just like their first did.

I help them by reskilling them, in effective relationship behaviours, so they can be confident they won’t go back to old patterns!

Why not follow me on Facebook where I share my own and all sorts of other resources?

Warm regards

Chris Owen

Lovers on the rocks are now airing issues in counselling sessions that have arisen from social media, chat rooms and dating websites…

Yes social media is fun and a quick and savvy way to keep up with each other, but I’m sorry I don’t think you can link social media to CAUSES of relationship breakdown!  It’s more like a way of seeing a symptom of problems!

True, you might find FUEL for your conflicts on social media, but if it wasn’t there, it would be on your partner’s mobile, or at the pub,  or anywhere that the usual relationship conflict issues arise.

If trust (jealousy)  is an issue in your relationship, then it will be; whether you’re on Facebook or not!

If you’re feeling rejected by your partner, then if it wasn’t your partner’s time on Twitter that was leaving you dejected, it would be something else.

Be brave and talk about it, preferably staying grown up and without fighting!

But if you do, then Fight Fair! (More on that later!)

And if you can’t do either of those then get some help!

I have a FEW empty appointments at the moment so give me a call if you need to.

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Chris Owen of Pink Apple helps people create Better Relationships

Chris Owen is an Aussie-based Relationship Advisor who muses on relationships, and helps couples make their relationships joy-filled – before it’s too late!

She shares resources, offers support, and debunks myths on Facebook and Twitter as well as here at the Better Relationships Blog.

So let’s assume that like all humans, not every moment of your relationship is a blissful event.  (If it is I want to talk to you and get you secrets!)

What’s more, in your loving relationship, there’s probably the occasional little quarrel, the odd fight, a quick snipe or two, the rare screaming match, a few disagreements and sometimes war breaks out!

Have you ever come across someone who told you they don’t fight?

Did they share this interesting information with a slightly righteous posture?  Did they seem just a little smug?

Of course they may be telling the truth, they may both be extremely conflict averse!  The thought of conflict may terrify them out of their wits.  So much so that they would no more “go there” than they’d step on a landmine!  However that scenario has it’s own drawbacks which is a topic for some other day.

Just be reassured that most people in relationships fight – in some form – at some time!

And that’s perfectly OK!

There is nothing wrong with having a fight.

The only way it will harm your relationship is if you don’t heal the relationship after the conflict.

But sometimes fights get out of control don’t they?  (And no, I’m not necessarily talking about “fisticuffs” or domestic violence.  And probably not even emontional abuse!)

Sometimes you say things you don’t really mean!  And they’re out of your mouth before you’ve really put your brain into full gear!

After you’ve cooled down you may even forget you’ve said it.  But maybe those few words, are burned into your partner/mum/dad/friend/sister/s brain.  Seared there forever with the scar an endless irritant.

And all for what?  Was the fight worth creating that scar?  Did the topic really matter that much?  Was the poin THAT significant?

You see that’s why…

… the best relationship advice is to walk away.

And no I don’t mean stomp out of the room in a huff!  (One of Pink Apple’s occasional failings I’m afraid!  Usually accompanied by an oh-so-satisfying slamming of the door!)

I mean zip your lip for the millisecond that it takes to register that:

• you’re not actually in good control of your emotions
• you haven’t got the whole issue in perspective
• this is about a myriad of other small unconnected irritants
• this may not actually matter in 24 hours, next week or next year.

And then take a deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath

Say something  like, “I know I need to gather myself together.  Can we come back to this when I’ve collected my thoughts and calmed down?  I really want to have this discussion, just not in this way!”

… and walk away and do just that!

Go take a walk around the block.  Go sit in the toilet and deep breathe for five minutes.  Go and channel the energy into something fruitful.  Just go …

… and come back later, just as you promised, and complete the discussion.  (And I don’t mean days/months/years later)

Try it and let me know how you get on?

In fact, if you have tried it either successfully or abysmally failing, share your thoughts and comments below!

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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.  I add a Relationship Tip there every day.

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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.

If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.

But if someone you love is not feeling like celebrating, perhaps there’s a good reason.

Depression.

I could write a whole article about that, but why would I? I’ve just seen a terrifically effective simple article about depression over on my friend Renee Mayne of Bra Queen’s site!  It may explain a lot.

And if depression is wobbling your relationship off it’s stable footing, Pink Apple (as a skilled counsellor) can help you establish a new footing that accommodates the Black Dog in your family.

Using Pink Apple’s Relating Better Program, all three of us could have a 2-hour (one-off and no obligation) First Steps Session to establish how things are, and what might need to be different. It will help you:

• take stock of what the situation is
• get clear what you want to do about it.
• decide if you want some coaching assistance

Relating Better also has a Solutions for Now Program which may be one of the options you could choose.

Solutions For Now is a series of four coaching sessions and uses an assessment tool to establish your preferred behaviour styles.  It’s intended to help you regain the lost connection between you.  It will help you:

• get over a problem that’s been holding back your relationship/could lead to the breakdown of your relationship
• use new tools to address an old problem
• get objective feedback on how your preferred behavior styles might be impacting your relationships

Depression in your family creates hurdles for everyone including the sufferer.  Depression and that bloody Black Dog have visited our family just as it visits many!  So Pink Apple has an intimate knowledge of what happens when it starts running around in a relationship.  We’d love to help you move forward.

In the meantime, go over and read Renee’s simple and to-the-point Depression Checklist.

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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.  I add a Relationship Tip there every day.

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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.