Posts Tagged ‘being heard’
Writing Your Way to a Better Relationship
A while ago we moved Mum into a nursing home. That meant cleaning out her house. Predictably for an elderly lady, there were lots of crap things. We knew that in amongst the crap, were bound to be things of sentimental value, antique value, and just plain precious to Mum for no reason we could think of! We had to try and honour all those things and be practical too!
But, as we all know, one woman’s precious CAN be another woman’s crap, so it was a wee bit stressful and draining!
However, I made one very precious find almost by accident.
Tucked into an old, small, wooden cigar box, that must have belonged to my Dad many years ago, I found three letters in my father’s bold, beautifully-crafted, and unmistakeable handwriting.
Yeah! You guessed it. I opened them.
In my defence, I had some conscience. It took me quite a while to pluck up the courage to go plundering my parent’s relationship.
But how glad I was! As I sat there with tears pouring down my face (I’m even crying now as I recall it) I felt so blessed to have this little glimpse into their early and precious relationship.
Are you shocked …
… at me invading my parent’s privacy like that?
I’m sorry if I’ve gone plummeting in your estimation! But now that Mum’s memory has gone, it’s us, her daughters, for whom these letters have become precious. So I have no doubt in my mind any more. I did the right thing. The contents of that wooden box are now even more precious!
But opening that box was such a grief-flooding moment. I could feel the physical hurt in my chest, as I caught sight of Dad’s handwriting again, after so many years.
At the sight of those letters lying in their simple wooden cradle, I just reacted. I HAD to touch those letters, those connections with the Dad I’d lost to death, and the Mum I was losing to a disease gobbling away at her brain cells, days by day.
I ran my fingertip over the writing on the envelope.
I’d never had the chance to have an adult relationship with my Dad, he died before we had a chance to get over the polar opposite positions of my adolescence and his old age. So despite the intervening years, the yearning in me is still powerful. I endlessly seek to know my father as a man, the way most people get to discover their parents once they become adults and parents themselves.
In that old cigar box, were three beautifully-scribed love letters, written by my Dad to my Mum in the mid-1940s around the time of their engagement.
It suddenly felt like I was in the middle of a war-time movie. My mum and dad seemed to leap out of the photo albums and come to life, 40’s fashions and all!
I saw two people I knew so well in a totally new and different light – madly in love. I’d never seen signs of romance, open affection, or anything else overt between them. This was a window into A Fine Romance, a war-time romance between a quiet shy man and his friend’s secretary.
In his letters, Dad talked of how much he missed being with her, how it felt to leave her, and how wonderful it felt to see her again.
They were simple messages. Simple words. But powerful emotion.
The joy and excitement of his love was there in the respectful words, the gentle, tender wooing, and the encouragement he gave her. Without even a hint of eroticism, his ardour and desire for her jumped off the page.
It left me thinking about my own relationship, and grateful that some day our children will find our love letters too.
What legacy of your love are you leaving?
What do you think your children will discover after they’ve buried you?
(What’s that? Am I being a bit too confronting? Sorry, but we NEVER know when death will separate us from our loved ones. Hence why we need to love well – right now!)
The quick emails, and text messages that we tend to exchange now, won’t even exist. They’ll be gone into the technical ether.
Let’s get down to tin tacks here. Have you ever written a love letter?
Have you ever received one? Do you remember what it felt like to receive it? When I receive a love letter, the rawness and vulnerability of the message of love will bring tears of gratitude and intense emotion.
Have you kept these precious love letters?
There’s a strong argument for not losing this old and cherished skill. That is, apart from the sheer joy of receiving love letters, of course.
How much poorer would the world be if Byron hadn’t written of his love? If Charlotte Bronte or Napoleon had used texts? If Elizabeth Barrett Browning or CS Lewis had whipped off a quick email?
Have I got you thinking?
So, what do you want your partner to know about your feelings?
How often do you convey that?
So what’s stopping you from saying those things in a love letter?
Are you scared of writing a love letter? Do you think letters are only for when someone is far away? Do you believe you’re not capable of flowery/romantic language, or even of writing a letter any more? Do you think your Significant Other will think you’re an idiot?
Go on, the challenge is out! I dare you to try it. Who needs wireless broadband when you’ve got a pen?
If I’m talking to the converted, why not add some extra impetus to my argument by sharing your story in the comments below.
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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook. I add a Relationship Tip there every day.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.
If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
