Posts Tagged ‘declutter’
Writing Your Way to a Better Relationship
A while ago we moved Mum into a nursing home. That meant cleaning out her house. Predictably for an elderly lady, there were lots of crap things. We knew that in amongst the crap, were bound to be things of sentimental value, antique value, and just plain precious to Mum for no reason we could think of! We had to try and honour all those things and be practical too!
But, as we all know, one woman’s precious CAN be another woman’s crap, so it was a wee bit stressful and draining!
However, I made one very precious find almost by accident.
Tucked into an old, small, wooden cigar box, that must have belonged to my Dad many years ago, I found three letters in my father’s bold, beautifully-crafted, and unmistakeable handwriting.
Yeah! You guessed it. I opened them.
In my defence, I had some conscience. It took me quite a while to pluck up the courage to go plundering my parent’s relationship.
But how glad I was! As I sat there with tears pouring down my face (I’m even crying now as I recall it) I felt so blessed to have this little glimpse into their early and precious relationship.
Are you shocked …
… at me invading my parent’s privacy like that?
I’m sorry if I’ve gone plummeting in your estimation! But now that Mum’s memory has gone, it’s us, her daughters, for whom these letters have become precious. So I have no doubt in my mind any more. I did the right thing. The contents of that wooden box are now even more precious!
But opening that box was such a grief-flooding moment. I could feel the physical hurt in my chest, as I caught sight of Dad’s handwriting again, after so many years.
At the sight of those letters lying in their simple wooden cradle, I just reacted. I HAD to touch those letters, those connections with the Dad I’d lost to death, and the Mum I was losing to a disease gobbling away at her brain cells, days by day.
I ran my fingertip over the writing on the envelope.
I’d never had the chance to have an adult relationship with my Dad, he died before we had a chance to get over the polar opposite positions of my adolescence and his old age. So despite the intervening years, the yearning in me is still powerful. I endlessly seek to know my father as a man, the way most people get to discover their parents once they become adults and parents themselves.
In that old cigar box, were three beautifully-scribed love letters, written by my Dad to my Mum in the mid-1940s around the time of their engagement.
It suddenly felt like I was in the middle of a war-time movie. My mum and dad seemed to leap out of the photo albums and come to life, 40’s fashions and all!
I saw two people I knew so well in a totally new and different light – madly in love. I’d never seen signs of romance, open affection, or anything else overt between them. This was a window into A Fine Romance, a war-time romance between a quiet shy man and his friend’s secretary.
In his letters, Dad talked of how much he missed being with her, how it felt to leave her, and how wonderful it felt to see her again.
They were simple messages. Simple words. But powerful emotion.
The joy and excitement of his love was there in the respectful words, the gentle, tender wooing, and the encouragement he gave her. Without even a hint of eroticism, his ardour and desire for her jumped off the page.
It left me thinking about my own relationship, and grateful that some day our children will find our love letters too.
What legacy of your love are you leaving?
What do you think your children will discover after they’ve buried you?
(What’s that? Am I being a bit too confronting? Sorry, but we NEVER know when death will separate us from our loved ones. Hence why we need to love well – right now!)
The quick emails, and text messages that we tend to exchange now, won’t even exist. They’ll be gone into the technical ether.
Let’s get down to tin tacks here. Have you ever written a love letter?
Have you ever received one? Do you remember what it felt like to receive it? When I receive a love letter, the rawness and vulnerability of the message of love will bring tears of gratitude and intense emotion.
Have you kept these precious love letters?
There’s a strong argument for not losing this old and cherished skill. That is, apart from the sheer joy of receiving love letters, of course.
How much poorer would the world be if Byron hadn’t written of his love? If Charlotte Bronte or Napoleon had used texts? If Elizabeth Barrett Browning or CS Lewis had whipped off a quick email?
Have I got you thinking?
So, what do you want your partner to know about your feelings?
How often do you convey that?
So what’s stopping you from saying those things in a love letter?
Are you scared of writing a love letter? Do you think letters are only for when someone is far away? Do you believe you’re not capable of flowery/romantic language, or even of writing a letter any more? Do you think your Significant Other will think you’re an idiot?
Go on, the challenge is out! I dare you to try it. Who needs wireless broadband when you’ve got a pen?
If I’m talking to the converted, why not add some extra impetus to my argument by sharing your story in the comments below. Read the rest of this entry »
Mr Right or Mr Good – Choosing the Right Relationship Partner
When you’re a Relationship Expert, you get some unusual calls!
The lovely Renee Mayne of Bra Queen, spied this article in a recent newspaper and, using Facebook, dialled up THIS Relationship Expert for my opinions and advice. Since then, I notice the bandwagon is rolling along nicely as journalists and bloggers hitch a ride. So why not me too?
I must say some authors are very good at using audacious claims for getting press and web coverage! If nothing else you’ve got to give Lori Gottlieb a tick for free-publicity and maybe it’s even given her some income! Because you see, the author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr Good Enough has fanned feminist flames with a nice little dose of audacity!
What am I talking about?
Well, according to The Age and SMH, this 40-something author claims women should be accepting Mr Good-Enough over the endless search for Mr Right!
Gottlieb’s theory is that if you’ve hit 30, and still haven’t found Mr Right, then you should take her hard-earned wisdom and settle for Mr Good-Enough. Once you hit her age, and still haven’t found your man, you’ll be rueing the day in your 30s that you knocked back Mr Uninspiring and Ordinary, and kept dreaming of the idyllic Mr Right!
Becky Hugh, another London journo, passionately responded the next day with We Must Never Stop Searching For Mr Right. Both she and Gottlieb used fictional characters to develop their arguments quoting Jane Eyre, Mary Tyler Moore, Rachel from Friends, and the ubiquitous Carrie Bradshaw as demonstrating informed decisions. Come on ladies! Enough with the emotive stuff!!!!
Here at Pink Apple, I have no need to sell newspapers with outrageous claims or emotive arguments.
But I’m not ashamed to admit that I welcome a chance to air my thoughts so that you, my readers, can tell if I’m someone you’d look to for Relationship Advice.
Really it’s not about whether I agree with Ms Gottlieb, because I think she’s lassoed the issue and dragged it off over a paddock that’s far from the warmth of the farm.
So let’s see what’s at the farm…
What are the important things about choosing a life partner?
Should there be a checklist of ideal qualities?
Should there be a deal-breaker? Should that be love?
Pink Apple’s Tips on Choosing The Right Partner
1. Develop communication skills as a journey not a destination.
You’ll never be perfect at communication skills, any more than you will be perfect at anything else. Like kicking a footy, knitting a complex pattern, or singing a folk song or an aria, it’s always a mix of a bit of talent and endless bloody hard work. Seek education and feedback, and monitor your skills with endless attention and development.
2. Learn how to negotiate effectively and become more comfortable with compromise.
Practise these skills in your workplace, amongst friends, and in your family. Remember that compromise is NOT lying down and being a door mat, or getting your own way! Learn to recognise your signs of assertiveness and aggression and cultivate win/win moments wherever you can.
3. Befriend your values and live them
Reflect on what things you could not bear to be parted from in your life. These are the clues to your values. Become familiar with them to the point of knowing where they lie in your priorities. If there’s any checklist to be had, it’s a checklist for you to ensure you’re living by your values.
4. Know your problem solving styles
We each go about solving problems with our own unique mix of preferences and aversions. Knowing which parts of the process are your style and what you’ll actively avoid will help your awareness and develop your capacity for negotiation and compromise.
5. Feel your feelings
Within all non-work relationships, problem solving cannot happen without each having an awareness of facts, as well as the opinions and feelings of the other. If you don’t know what you’re feeling or can’t put a name to it, then problem solving is compromised.
6. Cultivate respect and goodwill
One of the key indicators of lasting relationships is not if/how we fight but instead our capacity to heal the relationship after conflicts. That’s when respect and goodwill become critical ingredients to our ability to create and nurture healing.
7. Learn how to fight.
Picking your battles is the first step in fighting fairly. Running your negative reactions through the will-this-matter-in-12-months-time meter, is another important element. Finally if you need to fight then learn to manage your emotions and be ready to go back after the fight and seek to solve the problem
8. Recognise what you are tolerating in your life and allowing to sap your energy.
Tolerations are the things we put up with even though they conflict with our core values. Because tolerations commonly fly beneath our conscious radar, they will drain us of emotional energy. Regularly review your tolerations and declutter them from your physical, environmental, mental and emotional lives.
9. Be the Right Partner
Show up to every person you meet as the authentic you. Love yourself, appreciate yourself, take responsibility for meeting your own needs as a matter of daily habit. You show up as a real and attractive person and not a needy one.
You’ll notice it’s all about being the best you, you can be.
So whether Mr Right has a cute bum, cooks well, loves kids, or is dedicated to work/life balance won’t really matter.
Being the best you you can be will ensure that self-awareness directs your decisions.
(If you struggle with building these skills in being the best you, then seek some professional help. And keep your eyes open for upcoming Pink Apple Teleseminars!)
Finally, yes love is an essential part of the selection mix. And if I had a couple in front of me, for whom love was not a primary driver , then yes I’d see it as a deal-breaker!
But there was one thing I did agree with in Amy Willis’ article in The Age. She sought advice from Prof Cary Cooper, a psychologist at Lancaster University:
… women unable to find their dream man should not see themselves as settling for second best.
He said: “No man or woman has all the characteristics you would look for; it would be a miracle to find your number one.
“You have to find somebody with as many good characteristics as possible. The main problem is that many people haven’t worked out what those characteristics are. People need to sit down and work out what they want and then go looking for someone who at least ticks some of your top priorities.”
Friends With Benefits.
Ahhhh! That got you in didn’t it?
Well I hate to disappoint you but there’s no plan to talk here about the noughties definition of "friends with benefits"!
One of the joys of being in business however is finding other business owners with whom you just click and friendships develop. I have many business friends who’s businesses I may never be able to refer to but who have become firm friends.
It’s then even better when your businesses have some synchronicity and you can work together on projects, send clients to each other, or even just help each other with some brainstorming for your next project! You both want the best for the other’s business. 
The best moment is when that disgraceful little demon of self-doubt wriggles under the security fence and gives you a raspberry as well as eats away at your pile of confidence stores.
What’s that got to do with good friends?
That’s the time they give you a good shake, (well not literally normally) and remind you of all you’ve done for them and others. Then they whirl you round, and with a slap on the back they send you out to chase the demon off the premises, and then help you block up the gap under the fence!
One of my fellow business women and now good friends is Angela Esnouf from Creating Order From Chaos.
Recently she ran a 7-day Clutter Challenge during National Organising Week.
Well not only did it get me off my backside and into my shoe shelves (see Comments), her simple baby-step ideas have had me nibbling away at other tasks around the house ever since.
A drawer gets a quick declutter as I look for something. The spice rack was half-checked for past-their-used-by spices while I cooked the dinner the other night! I’ll get to the rest next time I have to stand near the stove for a bit.
Now only Angela’s newsletter subscribers got the inside running on this great decluttering challenge. LIke many of us Angela tries out her new ideas on her subscribers. I know I’ve encouraged her to make this into some kind of saleable product and so have many others!
So if you want to feel like you’re making progress against the clutter bug, I strongly recommend a visit and a sign up at Creating Order From Chaos. She’s got a finger on the pulse of making decluttering simple and easy! It’s like a breath of fresh air. Just like it is when she walks in with her ever-smiling face and sits down for a cuppa and a chat!
Not only is she organised, but she’s also diligent at keeping up her blog commitments. (As opposed to some tarts we could name!) So a short sharp couple of paragraphs appear on her blog most days! (Even while she swanned around Europe a few months ago!)
She’s definitely a good influence – and she lives around the corner! What more could a tart ask for?
