Posts Tagged ‘failure’
How Does Being A “Victim” Help Your New Relationship?
John Cleese (photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/lucvanbraekel/)
This morning I watched John Cleese being interviewed on Australia’s Channel 9 morning TV programme the Today show. He’s currently in Australia on his “alimony tour”.
Others may have seen a somewhat pompous “funny man”, perhaps a little past his prime. What I couldn’t get past, was his endless “holding on” to a VICTIM mentality over the outrage of having to pay large alimony costs to his third wife.
I couldn’t help wonder if he put as much emotional energy into:
- knowing himself and his behaviour patterns better after the two previous wives before entering a third marriage?
- putting aside his ego enough during the marriage to offer respect and goodwill (as well as love of course) to his wife?
- actively working at being authentically the BEST husband he could be?
- and taking responsibility for his own behaviours in the relationship?
In light of the persistent bitterness I been hearing for months from John Cleese about how badly done by he is for this alimony outrage, METHINKS NOT!
When your marriage breaks down and reaches the point of divorce, we all know it is unenviably stressful. No-one would wish it on themselves, or even their enemies! So it’s especially sad when the stress turns into bitter and twisted.
It does no-one any good, most particularly the person unable to move forward emotionally, because they are still clinging to the bitterness of their marriage breakdown.
When baggage gets in the way
No-onecan “move towards” a new way of life when they can’t “move away from” or let go of the past. If that’s happening in your life then warning bells should be clanging in your head!
Imagine the emotional energy drain that must cause! So busy being angry and bitter about the past, that you can’t own your own contribution to the breakdown of the relationship. You’re not going to turn up to a new relationship authentically while that baggage hangs around!
Believe me, there is ALWAYS some degree of mutual contribution for which each partner needs to take responsibility. It might be simple things like:
- poor decisions,
- ignoring intuition or warning signs,
- failing to establish how mutual your values and beliefs were,
- or even failing to create an environment where trust can grow.
- Or it could be a massive contribution like abuse,
- the destruction of trust
- or any one of the many hurts couples can inflict on each other.
No-one’s saying it’s easy to get over the many pains of marriage breakdown but it is encumbent on you to do so before you enter a new relationship. Otherwise your baggage will sink it, before it can swim!
Today Cleese made reference to a new relationship seemingly moving towards marriage. How can that possibly be a success while one partner has such a tight grip on the evils of the past relationship?
It makes me wonder who’s helping the latest lady in Cleese’s life open her eyes.
Or do you see things differently? I’d love to hear!
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Chris Owen of Pink Apple helps people create Better Relationships
Chris Owen is an Aussie-based Relationship Advisor who muses on relationships, and helps couples make their relationships joy-filled – before it’s too late!
She shares resources, offers support, and debunks myths on Facebook and Twitter as well as here at the Better Relationships Blog.
Thriving not just Surviving
the spring would not be so pleasant;
if we did not sometimes taste of adversity,
prosperity would not be so welcome.”
I've spent my morning reading Paul McCarthy's The Survival Trap: Why some Businesses Thrive and Others Struggle to Survive in Tough Economic Times.
No matter what your perspective and how much knowledge you have, doing some motivational or professional reading/development will always give you at least ONE insight that you hear differently and makes you take action.
That's happened this morning.
How come?
Well I was just doing what I thought was an obligation. Doing some preliminary reading before I went to a meeting.
I was (and am) looking forward to hearing Paul McCarthy speak at the Manningham Business Network's monthly Open Meeting, the first for 2009. As a member of MBN, I have heard some interesting speakers and was a strong advocate of getting Paul to speak.
McCarthy is a terrific speaker – inspiring but on a really practical level! (I need to hear some "hows" along with my inspiration, or it won't get me far. And Paul delivers that in spades!)
In fact his is one of the few monthly newsletter emails that have survived my recent RUTHLESS culling of newsletter subscriptions that FLOOD my Inbox! (Come on you know what I mean. Have you checked how many you're subscribed to?)
So because the meeting's coming up and I am a committed and interested member, I wanted to do Paul the courtesy of being ready. At last this morning, I've got around to reading this new e-book The Survival Trap.
And of course, I've had my aha moment.
Bizarrely enough it came when McCarthy started talking about failure.
Now, unlike my eager little readers here, I confess I have the occasional moment of self-doubt!
I had one recently and I was throwing that word "failure" about a bit in conversation with my ever-helpful and endlessly-challenging coach Karen Wallace. She jumped on it from a great height and gave my backside a bit of a kick. A kick that I felt again when I read those words this morning.
I realized I just hadn't been failing fast enough to get me moving.
Those words got me so motivated that I stopped reading and came here to write and share with you the opportunity to read the book and get your aha moment faster!
McCarthy is offering this book for fr*ee. It's about 80-ish pages in big font and VERY easy reading. You even get a chance to win some coaching from him. So there's no loss in this. It's taken me about 45 minutes to read – but yes I am a fast reader! Even so, you'll hardly be taxed by reading it, and WILL get an aha moment no matter how extensive your experience of business or personal development is!
And if you need another quote to get you thinking, here it is:
– Talal Abu-Ghazaleh
See you at the Open Meeting on Tuesday?
If not, till next time …
Chris
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple. At Pink Apple, Chris shares the Secrets of Successful Relationships. She's a co-author of Save Our Christmas Sanity: The Christmas Calm Manual; and a regular contributor to The Calm Space, Joyful Jubilant Learning, and You! the member's magazine for Real Mums.
