Posts Tagged ‘love’
When Walking Away is the Best Relationship Advice …
If you were happy all the time in your relationship, then most of you probably wouldn’t be bothering to read Pink Apple’s relationship advice.
So let’s assume that like all humans, not every moment of your relationship is a blissful event. (If it is I want to talk to you and get you secrets!)
What’s more, in your loving relationship, there’s probably the occasional little quarrel, the odd fight, a quick snipe or two, the rare screaming match, a few disagreements and sometimes war breaks out!
Have you ever come across someone who told you they don’t fight?
Did they share this interesting information with a slightly righteous posture? Did they seem just a little smug?
Of course they may be telling the truth, they may both be extremely conflict averse! The thought of conflict may terrify them out of their wits. So much so that they would no more “go there” than they’d step on a landmine! However that scenario has it’s own drawbacks which is a topic for some other day.
Just be reassured that most people in relationships fight – in some form – at some time!
And that’s perfectly OK!
There is nothing wrong with having a fight.
The only way it will harm your relationship is if you don’t heal the relationship after the conflict.
But sometimes fights get out of control don’t they? (And no, I’m not necessarily talking about “fisticuffs” or domestic violence. And probably not even emontional abuse!)
Sometimes you say things you don’t really mean! And they’re out of your mouth before you’ve really put your brain into full gear!
After you’ve cooled down you may even forget you’ve said it. But maybe those few words, are burned into your partner/mum/dad/friend/sister/s brain. Seared there forever with the scar an endless irritant.
And all for what? Was the fight worth creating that scar? Did the topic really matter that much? Was the poin THAT significant?
You see that’s why…
… the best relationship advice is to walk away.
And no I don’t mean stomp out of the room in a huff! (One of Pink Apple’s occasional failings I’m afraid! Usually accompanied by an oh-so-satisfying slamming of the door!)
I mean zip your lip for the millisecond that it takes to register that:
- you’re not actually in good control of your emotions
- you haven’t got the whole issue in perspective
- this is about a myriad of other small unconnected irritants
- this may not actually matter in 24 hours, next week or next year.
And then take a deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath
Say something like, “I know I need to gather myself together. Can we come back to this when I’ve collected my thoughts and calmed down? I really want to have this discussion, just not in this way!”
… and walk away and do just that!
Go take a walk around the block. Go sit in the toilet and deep breathe for five minutes. Go and channel the energy into something fruitful. Just go …
… and come back later, just as you promised, and complete the discussion. (And I don’t mean days/months/years later)
Try it and let me know how you get on?
In fact, if you have tried it either successfully or abysmally failing, share your thoughts and comments below!
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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook. I add a Relationship Tip there every day.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.
If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
Better Relationships Between Dads and Sons
We women want good men!
It’s not unreasonable. I’m sure blokes want good women to share their lives with too.
But how do “good men” get to be good men?
By effective relationships with a significant man in their life as they grow, develop, and mature. And by powerful modelling by good men.
Good men are just ordinary men trying to do their best, be self-aware, and be prepared to admit when they’re wrong, and seek knowledge when they recognise they got a gap there!
They’re men trying to be the best they can be. And like all of us, they’re flawed. They get it right sometimes and wrong sometimes.
And guys there’s nothing more sexy than a good man admitting he needs advice or help.
So if our sons are to turn into good men they need relationships of depth and love with their father (for preference).
And they need ordinary men to try be the best good men they can be.
I am watching with delight as Pete Aldin author of Freaked Out Fathers takes on what I have always known was his mission in life – to help ordinary men be the best good men they can be. And help those ordinary/good men build effective communicative relationships with their sons.
- If you (or your partner) are an ordinary man wanting to be the best good man you can be AND
- If you have sons
Then go visit these sites over at Pete’s website Great Circle
He’s currently offering
Dads and Lads Retreat weekends (for kids aged 11-13 and Dads of any age)
Covering All Bases a program for Dads (delivered by telesminar in the comfort of your home)
and Mini Pitstop (for Dads of sons aged 1-4)
There is much advice for us as general parents but little that focuses on building Dad’s confidence in their fathering and providing skills to help Dads build greta relationships with their sons. Pete is the right man to deliver this.
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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook. I add a Relationship Tip there every day.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.
If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
In Relationships You Can Always Dream
I’m not much of a fan of Valentine’s Day…
In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s a load of crock!
But I guess if it gets so
meone to take action with a simple gesture when they would normally protest that they don’t know how to be romantic, then it can’t be ALL bad! In fact it MIGHT contributr to better relationships SOMEHOW!
There is one advantage.
It’s a chance to look at advertisements for all those exotic locations you dream of going to. Let’s face it for most of us, the ads are about as close as we’ll get.
But looking and dreaming and sharing that “one day if we win lotto” moment together is also a pretty good to share with your love.
So here’s some fuel for thought! This promo for the Top 10 Most Romantic Locations dropped into my Inbox the other day. I kept it open so I could dribble and drool for a couple of days – and share it with SweetP.
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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook. I add a Relationship Tip there every day.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.
If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
Have the Kisses Changed in Your Relationship?
I’ve got a few impertinent questions for you! After all, I am a Relationship Queen and part of my job is to throw out challenges! So …
What’s the best kissing memory of your whole life?
Do you believe that long languorous kisses only belong to new lovers? Or in movies and TV Shows?
Do your long languorous kisses only belong in the bedroom, once you’re married/partnered? Or at least in the privacy of your own home?
Be honest! Do long languorous kisses still have a regular place in your relationship? Do you at least do them in front of your kids?
What does a long languorous kiss mean to you?
I know it might seem like old Pink Apple has not had enough lip action, not played enough tonsil tiggy, and has generally resorted to getting her pleasures vicariously. But it’s not true. I’m perfectly happy with the kissing action in my life. But my question is, are you?
Kissing is such a funny thing.
Do you remember your first ever romantic kiss?
Girls (and I guess boys) talk about it endlessly when we were teenagers. I’m guessing that much adolescent (or pre-adolescent -sigh!) effort is put into becoming skilled at it. How do you do it? What about noses? Who moves their head? How do you breathe? What about tongues? It’s all so exciting, and just a bit scary.
We give it all kinds of names. Snogging, pashing, necking, petting, smooching, sucking face. Every era has a different name for it!
And then when we become partnered, kissing can become a perfunctory part of every day life. There’s hellos and goodbyes, and sometimes not even that. There’s birthday and Christmas kisses. There’s kisses in the bedroom that are meant to send not-so-subtle messages.
But what happened to kissing for its own sake?
So recently I put one of my Relationship Tips up on the Pink Apple Facebook Fan Page and suggested a long languorous kiss just before you head out the door.
You see, it doesn’t take a lot to make you both stop and remember that this is your “Relationship” as much as it is your daily life. Try surprising your partner with a long kiss just as you’re about to go out, and what happens?
Now if we assume you don’t suddenly decide to be late for the party and turn around and head for the bedroom…
What happens is that your surprised partner suddenly remembers who you are and why they love you. The rest of your evening is spent with both of you just slightly distracted and with a secret smile hovering on their lips. There’s hopes that perhaps the kissing may return when you get home. You share a tiny little secret between you and the sense of connection between you is heightened.
They all sound like pretty good things for any relationship.
But, of course, you don’t necessarily need to be going out to break the monotony of daily life together, by injecting this spicy kiss into your twosome. It just needs to come at a time when your partner is least expecting it. It needs to be a sexy kiss at a time when sex is not really an option. Of course the point is to build some sexual tension/energy.
It could be the morning kiss as you depart for work that gets the long languorous touch! Or maybe the one in the kitchen while you’re preparing dinner that evening (together of course!) That’s a good one because while your kids may protest at the “obscenity” of their parents being “yucky” or disgusting, the message you send about you as two people who love each other, is REALLY IMPORTANT! It’s good modelling of positive relating. And that’s one of your jobs as parents!
Or maybe, you want to be a bit more public and choose the escalator at the local shopping centre, or a lift!
Anyway you get the message …
And maybe you’ve even got some suggestions …
Feel free to leave a comment!
So my challenge to you is to give it a try and see what response you get! Go slap a kiss on that partner of yours that will take his/her breath away.
Don’t forget to come back and tell us how it went!
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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook. I add a Relationship Tip there every day.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
Mr Right or Mr Good – Choosing the Right Relationship Partner
When you’re a Relationship Expert, you get some unusual calls!
The lovely Renee Mayne of Bra Queen, spied this article in a recent newspaper and, using Facebook, dialled up THIS Relationship Expert for my opinions and advice. Since then, I notice the bandwagon is rolling along nicely as journalists and bloggers hitch a ride. So why not me too?
I must say some authors are very good at using audacious claims for getting press and web coverage! If nothing else you’ve got to give Lori Gottlieb a tick for free-publicity and maybe it’s even given her some income! Because you see, the author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr Good Enough has fanned feminist flames with a nice little dose of audacity!
What am I talking about?
Well, according to The Age and SMH, this 40-something author claims women should be accepting Mr Good-Enough over the endless search for Mr Right!
Gottlieb’s theory is that if you’ve hit 30, and still haven’t found Mr Right, then you should take her hard-earned wisdom and settle for Mr Good-Enough. Once you hit her age, and still haven’t found your man, you’ll be rueing the day in your 30s that you knocked back Mr Uninspiring and Ordinary, and kept dreaming of the idyllic Mr Right!
Becky Hugh, another London journo, passionately responded the next day with We Must Never Stop Searching For Mr Right. Both she and Gottlieb used fictional characters to develop their arguments quoting Jane Eyre, Mary Tyler Moore, Rachel from Friends, and the ubiquitous Carrie Bradshaw as demonstrating informed decisions. Come on ladies! Enough with the emotive stuff!!!!
Here at Pink Apple, I have no need to sell newspapers with outrageous claims or emotive arguments.
But I’m not ashamed to admit that I welcome a chance to air my thoughts so that you, my readers, can tell if I’m someone you’d look to for Relationship Advice.
Really it’s not about whether I agree with Ms Gottlieb, because I think she’s lassoed the issue and dragged it off over a paddock that’s far from the warmth of the farm.
So let’s see what’s at the farm…
What are the important things about choosing a life partner?
Should there be a checklist of ideal qualities?
Should there be a deal-breaker? Should that be love?
Pink Apple’s Tips on Choosing The Right Partner
1. Develop communication skills as a journey not a destination.
You’ll never be perfect at communication skills, any more than you will be perfect at anything else. Like kicking a footy, knitting a complex pattern, or singing a folk song or an aria, it’s always a mix of a bit of talent and endless bloody hard work. Seek education and feedback, and monitor your skills with endless attention and development.
2. Learn how to negotiate effectively and become more comfortable with compromise.
Practise these skills in your workplace, amongst friends, and in your family. Remember that compromise is NOT lying down and being a door mat, or getting your own way! Learn to recognise your signs of assertiveness and aggression and cultivate win/win moments wherever you can.
3. Befriend your values and live them
Reflect on what things you could not bear to be parted from in your life. These are the clues to your values. Become familiar with them to the point of knowing where they lie in your priorities. If there’s any checklist to be had, it’s a checklist for you to ensure you’re living by your values.
4. Know your problem solving styles
We each go about solving problems with our own unique mix of preferences and aversions. Knowing which parts of the process are your style and what you’ll actively avoid will help your awareness and develop your capacity for negotiation and compromise.
5. Feel your feelings
Within all non-work relationships, problem solving cannot happen without each having an awareness of facts, as well as the opinions and feelings of the other. If you don’t know what you’re feeling or can’t put a name to it, then problem solving is compromised.
6. Cultivate respect and goodwill
One of the key indicators of lasting relationships is not if/how we fight but instead our capacity to heal the relationship after conflicts. That’s when respect and goodwill become critical ingredients to our ability to create and nurture healing.
7. Learn how to fight.
Picking your battles is the first step in fighting fairly. Running your negative reactions through the will-this-matter-in-12-months-time meter, is another important element. Finally if you need to fight then learn to manage your emotions and be ready to go back after the fight and seek to solve the problem
8. Recognise what you are tolerating in your life and allowing to sap your energy.
Tolerations are the things we put up with even though they conflict with our core values. Because tolerations commonly fly beneath our conscious radar, they will drain us of emotional energy. Regularly review your tolerations and declutter them from your physical, environmental, mental and emotional lives.
9. Be the Right Partner
Show up to every person you meet as the authentic you. Love yourself, appreciate yourself, take responsibility for meeting your own needs as a matter of daily habit. You show up as a real and attractive person and not a needy one.
You’ll notice it’s all about being the best you, you can be.
So whether Mr Right has a cute bum, cooks well, loves kids, or is dedicated to work/life balance won’t really matter.
Being the best you you can be will ensure that self-awareness directs your decisions.
(If you struggle with building these skills in being the best you, then seek some professional help. And keep your eyes open for upcoming Pink Apple Teleseminars!)
Finally, yes love is an essential part of the selection mix. And if I had a couple in front of me, for whom love was not a primary driver , then yes I’d see it as a deal-breaker!
But there was one thing I did agree with in Amy Willis’ article in The Age. She sought advice from Prof Cary Cooper, a psychologist at Lancaster University:
… women unable to find their dream man should not see themselves as settling for second best.
He said: “No man or woman has all the characteristics you would look for; it would be a miracle to find your number one.
“You have to find somebody with as many good characteristics as possible. The main problem is that many people haven’t worked out what those characteristics are. People need to sit down and work out what they want and then go looking for someone who at least ticks some of your top priorities.”
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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook. I add a Relationship Tip there every day.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
Depression – The Black Dog Might Be Living in Your Relationship
It’s Australia Day and we’re all supposed to be celebrating.
But if someone you love is not feeling like celebrating, perhaps there’s a good reason.
Depression.
I could write a whole article about that, but why would I? I’ve just seen a terrifically effective simple article about depression over on my friend Renee Mayne of Bra Queen’s site! It may explain a lot.
And if depression is wobbling your relationship off it’s stable footing, Pink Apple (as a skilled counsellor) can help you establish a new footing that accommodates the Black Dog in your family.
Using Pink Apple’s Relating Better Program, all three of us could have a 2-hour (one-off and no obligation) First Steps Session to establish how things are, and what might need to be different. It will help you:
- take stock of what the situation is
- get clear what you want to do about it.
- decide if you want some coaching assistance
Relating Better also has a Solutions for Now Program which may be one of the options you could choose.
Solutions For Now is a series of four coaching sessions and uses an assessment tool to establish your preferred behaviour styles. It’s intended to help you regain the lost connection between you. It will help you:
- get over a problem that’s been holding back your relationship/could lead to the breakdown of your relationship
- use new tools to address an old problem
- get objective feedback on how your preferred behavior styles might be impacting your relationships
Depression in your family creates hurdles for everyone including the sufferer. Depression and that bloody Black Dog have visited our family just as it visits many! So Pink Apple has an intimate knowledge of what happens when it starts running around in a relationship. We’d love to help you move forward.
In the meantime, go over and read Renee’s simple and to-the-point Depression Checklist.
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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook. I add a Relationship Tip there every day.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
Hug Your Relationship
There’s no one single clue to Better Relationships.
There’s no one simple action to miraculously change your relationship for the better.
But there are a million little things that, when combined, will make a big difference.
Today’s is a hug!
Here in Australia, hugs happen everywhere.
Some hug on arrival, some on departure, some even both.
Some hug at great news, some at great sorrow.
But there are some unwritten rules about social hugs. The main one is that you don’t hang on for even a second longer than is appropriate! It’s got to be a cursory hug.
So if that’s what you do in social settings, how do you hug your partner in life?
The same?
Why?????????????
Out of habit, that’s why!
But hey, would you “air-kiss” your partner? No! Of course not. So son’t social hug him/her either!
Tonight when you get home, try holding your hug for at least 3 seconds longer than normal.
Lean into that hug, feel where you’re touching him all along your arms. Feel where he’s touching you along your body. Be in the moment and soak it all uo.
Then let me know how good it was!
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If you’d rather get a short message from Pink Apple then become a Fan on FaceBook. I’m adding a Relationship Tip there every day.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
How Compliments Build Relationship Energy – Let’s Create A Benefits List
It’s a simple thing to compliment someone.
But surprisingly many of us struggle with giving or receiving compliments or both.
If you want the person you love to know you love them, then compliments need to be part of your daily relationship toolkit!
Let’s assume you know how to give a compliment. (If you need some help send me an email, a FB message, or a DM on Twitter and I’ll send you a tipsheet.)
Let’s also assume you know how to receive one. (Yes that’s right, just say Thank you, is all!)
So what’s in for you to give compliments out (AT LEAST ONCE A DAY to your lover, kids, and friends and colleagues)?
Benefits of a Good Compliment Each Day.
- More smiles in your day, improving everyone’s wellbeing.
- The people around you feel respected and affirmed by you.
- People around you whose Love Language is Words of Affirmation get a laser-like message of your affection and love.
- Reignited romance in your love life, and who knows what benefits that might create!
- Heightened co-operation in your family and household. The kids might even help with some chores!
- With improved emotional wellbeing, comes improved physical well-being and reduced risks of physical illness and dependence on alcohol, cigarettes and overeating.
- Leaving a legacy to the world of well-rounded, assertive, and compassionate children, and others, influenced by you.
Now that’s just a few benefits off the top of my head. If you’ve got more suggestions, then send em to me and I’ll add em to the list. Surely between us all we could come up with at least 50 BENEFITS TO COMPLIMENTS or even more!!!!
The challenge is on! (Leave a Reply below and add a benefit!)
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If you’d rather get a short message from Pink Apple then become a Fan on FaceBook. I’m adding a Relationship Tip there every day.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
An Anniversary Gets Pink Apple Thinking
It was a special weekend at Casa Pink Apple this past weekend.
Pink Apple (that's me – Chris Owen) and my lovely boy SweetP celebrated our 35th Wedding Anniversary. It seems a monumental amount of time when I read it written there, but it feels like it's only about 20 years we've been together.
Perhaps it's a little like me feeling like I'm about 30 on the inside, when in fact I'm in my 50s. Or perhaps it's like the months flying by now that you're an adult, where in childhood those months till Christmas or your next birthday always seemed to drag!
Anyway we celebrated our Coral Wedding Anniversary and went away for a wonderful long weekend at Port Fairy (at the end of the Great Ocean Road!)
I've written before about our Anniversary
Over at Joyful Jubilant Learning this month, the theme for the month is Birthday/Anniversary. As a regular JJL contributor, it was an ideal synchrony to contemplate my learning about relationships based on the 35 years practice I seem to have gathered!
Why not go over and find out what I've learned? Feel free to leave a comment if you'd like, it's a very friendly community!
35 years is a LONG time married by most people’s definitions. So it’s had me musing on what I’ve learned. (Yes we’ve all heard those boring and offensive jokes about getting less than that for murder, so don’t bother PLEASE!)
Much of what I’ve learned pops out in articles here at JJL, on my
own blogs, and in online magazines like Karen Wallace’s The Calm
Space. So it’s a bit of a challenge to sit and review 35 years –
those 12,784 days. You’d HOPE there’d be some significant learning in
THAT much time wouldn’t you?But I think the learnings are … [more]
One of the important things I'm told I have to offer couples who come to me to help them create better relationships, is that I've got those 35 years under my belt!
But really what we've learned is that despite the crappy days and the odd screeching, we've found a way to love each other and still keep loving. And boy has it been fun!
I Believe in Fairies
"Tell Nana your news Jack" says your daughter(-in-law).
"My toof's' wobbly, Nana. See … Loook! It goes wibble wobble." Jack helpfully demonstrates!
Since becoming an Oma, I've become a bit of a sucker for all the vast array of products I now discover on the market for children.
Simple but unusual hand-made gifts are the specialty of Monique Nickalls at Your Cheeky Monkey.
I've already been off to YCM's site buying cute goodies for my baby granddaughter. In particular I am finding that her simple little TagNCuddle is a very helpful tool when soothing the separation anxiety. She clutches on to it, and it goes to bed with her in her cot at Oma's house. (At this stage after a few distraught babysitting sessions, Oma's grateful for anything that will work!)
However not all at YCM fits the young baby market. In fact, far from it!
And this one really caught my eye!
When I saw it, I knew it was a BIT premature for my 6 month old girl, even to this indulgent grandmother. However, I reckon this would be gorgeous for anyone with a 4 or 5 year old who's getting ready to shed those first baby teeth and join in the "Tooth Fairy" Fiction! After all Gorgeous Granddaughter doesn't even have any teeth yet.
But your grandchild might.
I really believe in rituals to mark important occasions, and one of the first signs of growing up is when you lose your baby teeth in readiness for that adult tooth.
That's how you'd be having that conversation with Jack (or Emily.)
I reckon it's worth thinking about a Tooth Fairy Pillow. Beats those bloody glasses of water, bearing tiny teeth or shiny coins which used to get knocked over in our house! (No I wasn't a tight wad! When my little darlings were loosing teeth, the going rate was about 20-50cents!)
Anyway I suggest you head over to Your Cheeky Monkey and have a look at the Tooth Fairy Pillows and go be indulgent of your grandchild. It's better than buying 'em lollies!
