Posts Tagged ‘pink apple’
Are You Searching For Better Relationships With Gen Y?
Ask any manager or employer at the moment about what the challenges are at the moment in business and along with mutterings or cheers about the GFC, the words Gen Y ring out like clanging bells!
It seems that we Boomers, and even Gen Xers (which always surprises me), struggle with what to do with our tech-savvy, know-their-own-mind, Gen Y brethren!
As a Relationships Advisor focused more on couples, Gen Xers and Boomers are my target market. So I don’t have a lot of need to deal with the issue. But I’m hearing a lot of pain out there.
So my ears pricked up when my friend Ann Buik told me she was going to run a workshop on the topic of Gen Ys in the workplace. As a workplace leadership expert and executives’ coach, it made sense that she’d have this kind of issue in her armoury of advice.
This workshop was originally planned for earlier this month, but with Ann taking on a new role with my old friend Ross Mitchell from Nesso, and some marketing glitches, it was rescheduled! I must say I’m very pleased about that. That means I could get the word out to all of you people in pain!
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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.
If you want a better relationship, but don’t know how to get it, then why not follow the beating heart in sidebar of this blog and take the Relationship Mojo Test? You’ll receive Chris’ free E-Book Your Relationship: From Mojo to Marvellous to help you improve your relationship. Oh and there are other bonuses to be found on the other side of that beating heart!
There’s Wonder Over at Calm Space
This month’s theme in The Calm Space (that soothe-the-savage-beast online magazine by Karen Wallace) is wonder.
Sometimes Karen’s selected theme is so resonant that my contribution practically writes itself. But I wasn’t feeling very wonderous, wonderful or even wondering.
There were sad and unsettling things happening in my life, and those of some of my closest friends. Wonder didn’t sit well at all!
Totally barren in the ideas department, I struggled to find how wonder and better relationships might fit and how I could authentically write about it.
And then I read an article about fighting and I knew!
I knew heaps about fighting from bitter experience, and still now SweetP and I will have the odd fight that strikes like a whirlwind and leaves us wondering what happened to us.
So this month’s Relationship Space Wondering What You Could Do For A Better Relationship? is devoted to a reflection on fighting and changing how we do it.
I’m wondering if anyone will try the technique and let us all know how it goes!
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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.
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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.
If you want a better relationship, but don’t know how to get it, then why not follow the beating heart in sidebar of this blog and take the Relationship Mojo Test? You’ll receive Chris’ free E-Book Your Relationship: From Mojo to Marvellous to help you improve your relationship. Oh and there are other bonuses to be found on the other side of that beating heart!
Should Better Relationships Have A Purpose?
Over at Karen Wallace’s The Calm Space, Pink Apple has a regular gig as the Relationship expert in the Relationship Space.
Every month The Calm Space has a theme. Each week, 3 or 4 of the contributors add some more food for thought on the month’s theme. As the month progresses, the roots of the theme get tickled and tackled. Opinions arise, stories develop, and sometimes controversy takes the stage!
This month’s theme is “purpose”.
Now, I’d argue that purpose is a bit of a new-age, coach-induced phenomenon.
And I’m a coach – kind of!
If the Calm Space is about moving “from stress serenity one step at a time” then I reckon purpose should be given a good kick in the backside!
So I’m reluctant to add having a purpose to the relationship “shoulds” that hang like boulders around our necks.
I figure that just like you learn to pick your battles with your adolescent children, there are other more important relationship “battles” to attack, than having a purpose! [more]
What do you think?
Oh by the way, Karen offers an excellent e-course to get you helping yourself. Called A Month of Me Time it’s an excellent freebie. I suggest you try it!
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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.
If you want a better relationship, but don’t know how to get it, then why not follow the beating heart in sidebar of this blog and take the Relationship Mojo Test? You’ll receive Chris’ free E-Book Your Relationship: From Mojo to Marvellous to help you improve your relationship. Oh and there are other bonuses to be found on the other side of that beating heart!
Why Better Relationships Might Be Found Under The Bedclothes
There are many reasons for conflicts to arise in relationships.
Triggers for conflict can be as diverse as money management, unequal libidos, parenting differences, and how you squeeze the toothpaste.
One lesser known, but highly inflammatory one is sleep-farting! (Yes pun intended!) Or to be more delicate, let’s call it flatulence.
A matter commonly only discussed in the bedrooms of couples the world over, this problem gets up lots of partner’s noses!
Oh alright, I’ll stop with the puns…
But I had to just share with you this wonderful new product …
Seeing it’s not April 1st I’m going to believe this, because I found it on the internet! Isn’t that a good enough reason?
For a good laugh, and perhaps even an opportunity to discuss this delicate issue with your partner, why not watch this wonderful advertisement?
By the way I’m so grateful to Sandi Gamble and The Huffington Post for alerting me to this fabulous product! (Well alright I’ve no idea if it’s fabulous, but it’s amused me enough to get me blogging again, so it must be fabulous!!) ENJOY! And please let me know if you actually own one of these!!!
A Quirky View on a DIY Relationship Partner
Yet again Peter Pearson, one of my two favourite Relationship Mentors, has come up with a clever ploy to get us thinking about unrealistic expectations of our partners.
As he said in his email to his subscribers “Wouldn’t you love to personally design the mate of your dreams?”
While that could sound a bit like Frankenstein’s monster, there is some truth in it, isn’t there. We’ve all got a bit of a list of preferences while we’re out on the dating scene! Come on! Admit it!!
So let’s play a game. You can now design your ideal mate. Pick from any of the traits described below and even add some you don’t see. Go wild. Create a list of all the positive traits you wish for in your mate. Your dream partner can now be assembled like ordering a new car. [more]
Peter and his wife Ellyn Bader run The Couples Institute in the US. I am a regular reader of their work and find their techniques filtering into my own work by osmosis.
Clearly for all my Aussie readers the Bader Pearsons are only available online. But when you have come to grips with your DIY quest and realised that perhap the two of you could do with some help to get back on track, then Pink Apple’s Solutions for Now might just fit the bill! Read the rest of this entry »
When Walking Away is the Best Relationship Advice …
If you were happy all the time in your relationship, then most of you probably wouldn’t be bothering to read Pink Apple’s relationship advice.
So let’s assume that like all humans, not every moment of your relationship is a blissful event. (If it is I want to talk to you and get you secrets!)
What’s more, in your loving relationship, there’s probably the occasional little quarrel, the odd fight, a quick snipe or two, the rare screaming match, a few disagreements and sometimes war breaks out!
Have you ever come across someone who told you they don’t fight?
Did they share this interesting information with a slightly righteous posture? Did they seem just a little smug?
Of course they may be telling the truth, they may both be extremely conflict averse! The thought of conflict may terrify them out of their wits. So much so that they would no more “go there” than they’d step on a landmine! However that scenario has it’s own drawbacks which is a topic for some other day.
Just be reassured that most people in relationships fight – in some form – at some time!
And that’s perfectly OK!
There is nothing wrong with having a fight.
The only way it will harm your relationship is if you don’t heal the relationship after the conflict.
But sometimes fights get out of control don’t they? (And no, I’m not necessarily talking about “fisticuffs” or domestic violence. And probably not even emontional abuse!)
Sometimes you say things you don’t really mean! And they’re out of your mouth before you’ve really put your brain into full gear!
After you’ve cooled down you may even forget you’ve said it. But maybe those few words, are burned into your partner/mum/dad/friend/sister/s brain. Seared there forever with the scar an endless irritant.
And all for what? Was the fight worth creating that scar? Did the topic really matter that much? Was the poin THAT significant?
You see that’s why…
… the best relationship advice is to walk away.
And no I don’t mean stomp out of the room in a huff! (One of Pink Apple’s occasional failings I’m afraid! Usually accompanied by an oh-so-satisfying slamming of the door!)
I mean zip your lip for the millisecond that it takes to register that:
- you’re not actually in good control of your emotions
- you haven’t got the whole issue in perspective
- this is about a myriad of other small unconnected irritants
- this may not actually matter in 24 hours, next week or next year.
And then take a deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath
Say something like, “I know I need to gather myself together. Can we come back to this when I’ve collected my thoughts and calmed down? I really want to have this discussion, just not in this way!”
… and walk away and do just that!
Go take a walk around the block. Go sit in the toilet and deep breathe for five minutes. Go and channel the energy into something fruitful. Just go …
… and come back later, just as you promised, and complete the discussion. (And I don’t mean days/months/years later)
Try it and let me know how you get on?
In fact, if you have tried it either successfully or abysmally failing, share your thoughts and comments below! Read the rest of this entry »
Writing Your Way to a Better Relationship
A while ago we moved Mum into a nursing home. That meant cleaning out her house. Predictably for an elderly lady, there were lots of crap things. We knew that in amongst the crap, were bound to be things of sentimental value, antique value, and just plain precious to Mum for no reason we could think of! We had to try and honour all those things and be practical too!
But, as we all know, one woman’s precious CAN be another woman’s crap, so it was a wee bit stressful and draining!
However, I made one very precious find almost by accident.
Tucked into an old, small, wooden cigar box, that must have belonged to my Dad many years ago, I found three letters in my father’s bold, beautifully-crafted, and unmistakeable handwriting.
Yeah! You guessed it. I opened them.
In my defence, I had some conscience. It took me quite a while to pluck up the courage to go plundering my parent’s relationship.
But how glad I was! As I sat there with tears pouring down my face (I’m even crying now as I recall it) I felt so blessed to have this little glimpse into their early and precious relationship.
Are you shocked …
… at me invading my parent’s privacy like that?
I’m sorry if I’ve gone plummeting in your estimation! But now that Mum’s memory has gone, it’s us, her daughters, for whom these letters have become precious. So I have no doubt in my mind any more. I did the right thing. The contents of that wooden box are now even more precious!
But opening that box was such a grief-flooding moment. I could feel the physical hurt in my chest, as I caught sight of Dad’s handwriting again, after so many years.
At the sight of those letters lying in their simple wooden cradle, I just reacted. I HAD to touch those letters, those connections with the Dad I’d lost to death, and the Mum I was losing to a disease gobbling away at her brain cells, days by day.
I ran my fingertip over the writing on the envelope.
I’d never had the chance to have an adult relationship with my Dad, he died before we had a chance to get over the polar opposite positions of my adolescence and his old age. So despite the intervening years, the yearning in me is still powerful. I endlessly seek to know my father as a man, the way most people get to discover their parents once they become adults and parents themselves.
In that old cigar box, were three beautifully-scribed love letters, written by my Dad to my Mum in the mid-1940s around the time of their engagement.
It suddenly felt like I was in the middle of a war-time movie. My mum and dad seemed to leap out of the photo albums and come to life, 40’s fashions and all!
I saw two people I knew so well in a totally new and different light – madly in love. I’d never seen signs of romance, open affection, or anything else overt between them. This was a window into A Fine Romance, a war-time romance between a quiet shy man and his friend’s secretary.
In his letters, Dad talked of how much he missed being with her, how it felt to leave her, and how wonderful it felt to see her again.
They were simple messages. Simple words. But powerful emotion.
The joy and excitement of his love was there in the respectful words, the gentle, tender wooing, and the encouragement he gave her. Without even a hint of eroticism, his ardour and desire for her jumped off the page.
It left me thinking about my own relationship, and grateful that some day our children will find our love letters too.
What legacy of your love are you leaving?
What do you think your children will discover after they’ve buried you?
(What’s that? Am I being a bit too confronting? Sorry, but we NEVER know when death will separate us from our loved ones. Hence why we need to love well – right now!)
The quick emails, and text messages that we tend to exchange now, won’t even exist. They’ll be gone into the technical ether.
Let’s get down to tin tacks here. Have you ever written a love letter?
Have you ever received one? Do you remember what it felt like to receive it? When I receive a love letter, the rawness and vulnerability of the message of love will bring tears of gratitude and intense emotion.
Have you kept these precious love letters?
There’s a strong argument for not losing this old and cherished skill. That is, apart from the sheer joy of receiving love letters, of course.
How much poorer would the world be if Byron hadn’t written of his love? If Charlotte Bronte or Napoleon had used texts? If Elizabeth Barrett Browning or CS Lewis had whipped off a quick email?
Have I got you thinking?
So, what do you want your partner to know about your feelings?
How often do you convey that?
So what’s stopping you from saying those things in a love letter?
Are you scared of writing a love letter? Do you think letters are only for when someone is far away? Do you believe you’re not capable of flowery/romantic language, or even of writing a letter any more? Do you think your Significant Other will think you’re an idiot?
Go on, the challenge is out! I dare you to try it. Who needs wireless broadband when you’ve got a pen?
If I’m talking to the converted, why not add some extra impetus to my argument by sharing your story in the comments below. Read the rest of this entry »
In Relationships You Can Always Dream
I’m not much of a fan of Valentine’s Day…
In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s a load of crock!
But I guess if it gets so
meone to take action with a simple gesture when they would normally protest that they don’t know how to be romantic, then it can’t be ALL bad! In fact it MIGHT contributr to better relationships SOMEHOW!
There is one advantage.
It’s a chance to look at advertisements for all those exotic locations you dream of going to. Let’s face it for most of us, the ads are about as close as we’ll get.
But looking and dreaming and sharing that “one day if we win lotto” moment together is also a pretty good to share with your love.
So here’s some fuel for thought! This promo for the Top 10 Most Romantic Locations dropped into my Inbox the other day. I kept it open so I could dribble and drool for a couple of days – and share it with SweetP. Read the rest of this entry »
Have the Kisses Changed in Your Relationship?
I’ve got a few impertinent questions for you! After all, I am a Relationship Queen and part of my job is to throw out challenges! So …
What’s the best kissing memory of your whole life?
Do you believe that long languorous kisses only belong to new lovers? Or in movies and TV Shows?
Do your long languorous kisses only belong in the bedroom, once you’re married/partnered? Or at least in the privacy of your own home?
Be honest! Do long languorous kisses still have a regular place in your relationship? Do you at least do them in front of your kids?
What does a long languorous kiss mean to you?
I know it might seem like old Pink Apple has not had enough lip action, not played enough tonsil tiggy, and has generally resorted to getting her pleasures vicariously. But it’s not true. I’m perfectly happy with the kissing action in my life. But my question is, are you?
Kissing is such a funny thing.
Do you remember your first ever romantic kiss?
Girls (and I guess boys) talk about it endlessly when we were teenagers. I’m guessing that much adolescent (or pre-adolescent -sigh!) effort is put into becoming skilled at it. How do you do it? What about noses? Who moves their head? How do you breathe? What about tongues? It’s all so exciting, and just a bit scary.
We give it all kinds of names. Snogging, pashing, necking, petting, smooching, sucking face. Every era has a different name for it!
And then when we become partnered, kissing can become a perfunctory part of every day life. There’s hellos and goodbyes, and sometimes not even that. There’s birthday and Christmas kisses. There’s kisses in the bedroom that are meant to send not-so-subtle messages.
But what happened to kissing for its own sake?
So recently I put one of my Relationship Tips up on the Pink Apple Facebook Fan Page and suggested a long languorous kiss just before you head out the door.
You see, it doesn’t take a lot to make you both stop and remember that this is your “Relationship” as much as it is your daily life. Try surprising your partner with a long kiss just as you’re about to go out, and what happens?
Now if we assume you don’t suddenly decide to be late for the party and turn around and head for the bedroom…
What happens is that your surprised partner suddenly remembers who you are and why they love you. The rest of your evening is spent with both of you just slightly distracted and with a secret smile hovering on their lips. There’s hopes that perhaps the kissing may return when you get home. You share a tiny little secret between you and the sense of connection between you is heightened.
They all sound like pretty good things for any relationship.
But, of course, you don’t necessarily need to be going out to break the monotony of daily life together, by injecting this spicy kiss into your twosome. It just needs to come at a time when your partner is least expecting it. It needs to be a sexy kiss at a time when sex is not really an option. Of course the point is to build some sexual tension/energy.
It could be the morning kiss as you depart for work that gets the long languorous touch! Or maybe the one in the kitchen while you’re preparing dinner that evening (together of course!) That’s a good one because while your kids may protest at the “obscenity” of their parents being “yucky” or disgusting, the message you send about you as two people who love each other, is REALLY IMPORTANT! It’s good modelling of positive relating. And that’s one of your jobs as parents!
Or maybe, you want to be a bit more public and choose the escalator at the local shopping centre, or a lift!
Anyway you get the message …
And maybe you’ve even got some suggestions …
Feel free to leave a comment!
So my challenge to you is to give it a try and see what response you get! Go slap a kiss on that partner of yours that will take his/her breath away.
Don’t forget to come back and tell us how it went! Read the rest of this entry »
Mr Right or Mr Good – Choosing the Right Relationship Partner
When you’re a Relationship Expert, you get some unusual calls!
The lovely Renee Mayne of Bra Queen, spied this article in a recent newspaper and, using Facebook, dialled up THIS Relationship Expert for my opinions and advice. Since then, I notice the bandwagon is rolling along nicely as journalists and bloggers hitch a ride. So why not me too?
I must say some authors are very good at using audacious claims for getting press and web coverage! If nothing else you’ve got to give Lori Gottlieb a tick for free-publicity and maybe it’s even given her some income! Because you see, the author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr Good Enough has fanned feminist flames with a nice little dose of audacity!
What am I talking about?
Well, according to The Age and SMH, this 40-something author claims women should be accepting Mr Good-Enough over the endless search for Mr Right!
Gottlieb’s theory is that if you’ve hit 30, and still haven’t found Mr Right, then you should take her hard-earned wisdom and settle for Mr Good-Enough. Once you hit her age, and still haven’t found your man, you’ll be rueing the day in your 30s that you knocked back Mr Uninspiring and Ordinary, and kept dreaming of the idyllic Mr Right!
Becky Hugh, another London journo, passionately responded the next day with We Must Never Stop Searching For Mr Right. Both she and Gottlieb used fictional characters to develop their arguments quoting Jane Eyre, Mary Tyler Moore, Rachel from Friends, and the ubiquitous Carrie Bradshaw as demonstrating informed decisions. Come on ladies! Enough with the emotive stuff!!!!
Here at Pink Apple, I have no need to sell newspapers with outrageous claims or emotive arguments.
But I’m not ashamed to admit that I welcome a chance to air my thoughts so that you, my readers, can tell if I’m someone you’d look to for Relationship Advice.
Really it’s not about whether I agree with Ms Gottlieb, because I think she’s lassoed the issue and dragged it off over a paddock that’s far from the warmth of the farm.
So let’s see what’s at the farm…
What are the important things about choosing a life partner?
Should there be a checklist of ideal qualities?
Should there be a deal-breaker? Should that be love?
Pink Apple’s Tips on Choosing The Right Partner
1. Develop communication skills as a journey not a destination.
You’ll never be perfect at communication skills, any more than you will be perfect at anything else. Like kicking a footy, knitting a complex pattern, or singing a folk song or an aria, it’s always a mix of a bit of talent and endless bloody hard work. Seek education and feedback, and monitor your skills with endless attention and development.
2. Learn how to negotiate effectively and become more comfortable with compromise.
Practise these skills in your workplace, amongst friends, and in your family. Remember that compromise is NOT lying down and being a door mat, or getting your own way! Learn to recognise your signs of assertiveness and aggression and cultivate win/win moments wherever you can.
3. Befriend your values and live them
Reflect on what things you could not bear to be parted from in your life. These are the clues to your values. Become familiar with them to the point of knowing where they lie in your priorities. If there’s any checklist to be had, it’s a checklist for you to ensure you’re living by your values.
4. Know your problem solving styles
We each go about solving problems with our own unique mix of preferences and aversions. Knowing which parts of the process are your style and what you’ll actively avoid will help your awareness and develop your capacity for negotiation and compromise.
5. Feel your feelings
Within all non-work relationships, problem solving cannot happen without each having an awareness of facts, as well as the opinions and feelings of the other. If you don’t know what you’re feeling or can’t put a name to it, then problem solving is compromised.
6. Cultivate respect and goodwill
One of the key indicators of lasting relationships is not if/how we fight but instead our capacity to heal the relationship after conflicts. That’s when respect and goodwill become critical ingredients to our ability to create and nurture healing.
7. Learn how to fight.
Picking your battles is the first step in fighting fairly. Running your negative reactions through the will-this-matter-in-12-months-time meter, is another important element. Finally if you need to fight then learn to manage your emotions and be ready to go back after the fight and seek to solve the problem
8. Recognise what you are tolerating in your life and allowing to sap your energy.
Tolerations are the things we put up with even though they conflict with our core values. Because tolerations commonly fly beneath our conscious radar, they will drain us of emotional energy. Regularly review your tolerations and declutter them from your physical, environmental, mental and emotional lives.
9. Be the Right Partner
Show up to every person you meet as the authentic you. Love yourself, appreciate yourself, take responsibility for meeting your own needs as a matter of daily habit. You show up as a real and attractive person and not a needy one.
You’ll notice it’s all about being the best you, you can be.
So whether Mr Right has a cute bum, cooks well, loves kids, or is dedicated to work/life balance won’t really matter.
Being the best you you can be will ensure that self-awareness directs your decisions.
(If you struggle with building these skills in being the best you, then seek some professional help. And keep your eyes open for upcoming Pink Apple Teleseminars!)
Finally, yes love is an essential part of the selection mix. And if I had a couple in front of me, for whom love was not a primary driver , then yes I’d see it as a deal-breaker!
But there was one thing I did agree with in Amy Willis’ article in The Age. She sought advice from Prof Cary Cooper, a psychologist at Lancaster University:
… women unable to find their dream man should not see themselves as settling for second best.
He said: “No man or woman has all the characteristics you would look for; it would be a miracle to find your number one.
“You have to find somebody with as many good characteristics as possible. The main problem is that many people haven’t worked out what those characteristics are. People need to sit down and work out what they want and then go looking for someone who at least ticks some of your top priorities.”
