Your partner is NOT going to change just because you want a healthier relationship.  All humans are predominantly driven by an element of WIIFM.  What’s In It For Me?

The first step has to start with you.

When you make changes in your attitude, perspectives, awareness, and behaviour, that’s when the dynamics in your relationship start to change.

Your partner may make not one jot of change!  But still your relationship is different.  It may improve just because you are in a different head space.  Even if it doesn’t shift your partner’s attitudes, perspectives, awareness, or behaviour, you are still better informed about your relationship.  You’re in a better place to make informed decisions.

That’s why I regularly work with just one party in a couple relationship.  Because it’s amazing what can happen if you take back some sense of control or even if you “let go”.

... like ripples in a pool ...

Thanks to Karen Wallace from The Calm Space‘s recommendation, I was reading a simple blog post by Miki De Vivo of  The Still Space.

She wrote about how she made one change in her life and how it created a little win for her as a parent.  I loved how she sat with this little tiny win that perhaps only she would notice, and felt satisfied.  She knew it wasn’t world-shaking, but it just might shake HER world!

Wouldn’t you like that to happen in your world?   How much of a difference would it make if that little change was in your relationship?  How would that impact your happiness and contentment?

Like ripples in a pool, a  tiny attitudinal change can help you become less stressed about how your relationship is being shaken up by parenting, money woes, your sex life, sharing the chores, or even that intrusive Mother-In-Law!

Would you like to try it and see?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen of Pink Apple

I’m a Melbourne-based Relationship Advisor for couples who fear that their second marriage could fall apart just like their first did.

I help them by reskilling them, in effective relationship behaviours, so they can be confident they won’t go back to old patterns!

Why not follow me on Facebook where I share my own and all sorts of other resources?

Warm regards

Chris Owen

Knowing I needed to write about the theme, my mind was instantly drawn to the fact that I haven’t yet sat down with SweetP this year and done our annual review of our relationship.

It’s a bit of an evaluation and an opportunity to talk about joys and sorrows, excitements and pain.

It’s certainly one of the ways we take our relationship seriously, and also how we can take a proactive stance at maintaining a healthy relationship, and making it a better relationship as well.

I t would be even more important if ours was a Second Marriage, like some of my clients and readers are currently experiencing.

So what will we be talking about?

There’s a whole pile of questions I created over at The Calm Space, but I’ll let you in, dear reader, on what SweetP and I will be talking about.

There’s no question our first big overseas adventure will be up there on the list.  We learned a lot more about being together, as we were forced by anonymity (and at times language) to rely on each other through that journey.  So, there’s much to talk about there.

SweetP is the money-worrier in our family, so I’m sure there’ll be fuel for discussion there too.

Retirement is nearer, so both our financial management and our conflicts around financial management, will be part of the discussion.

With retirement comes the issue of spending more time with each other.  SweetP is currently transitioning to retirement by now working part-time.  So how we manage spending 24 hours a day in each others’ company will be on the list as well.

And of course there’s more things, grandchildren, our adult children, our ailing parents etc etc.

So I think that our annual review will be part of this coming weekend.

Perhaps we’ll go out and have some yummy brekky, then go somewhere beautiful, perhaps beside a river, and talk together.

What did/will you do for your annual review?

Oh?  Not been there before?  Well why not head over to The Calm Space and have a read of my article so you can plan a review too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen of Pink Apple

I’m a Melbourne-based Relationship Advisor for couples who fear that their second marriage could fall apart just like their first did.

I help them by reskilling them, in effective relationship behaviours, so they can be confident they won’t go back to old patterns!

Why not follow me on Facebook where I share my own and all sorts of other resources?

Warm regards

Chris Owen

For those of you who got interested in Pink Apple’s exploration of Kissing a few days ago, we wanted to share just a little more on that theme.

Of course kissing is highly relevant when you’re talking about healthy relationships or techniques to make your relationship happier, healthier, better, or just more fun!

As I meandered through Mamamia (Mia Freedman)’s site just now, I found a post with links to some kissing videos.  It’s dated well after our little exploration so we must have got it going.  Mustn’t we?

I definitely think it’s worth a look!  Who know you might even get some technique tips!   Click here or on the picture to be taken to the article.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen of Pink Apple

I’m a Melbourne-based Relationship Advisor for couples who fear that their second marriage could fall apart just like their first did.

So I help them by reskilling them in effective relationship behaviours so they can be confident they won’t go back to old patterns!

Why not follow me on Facebook where I share my own and all sorts of other resources?

Warm regards

Chris Owen

No!  Not of all the people YOU have kissed!

Uhuh!

Let’s create a Pink Apple “Best of …”?  Shall we call it a Best of Public Kisses?

Name your most memorable kiss of Stage/Screen or Real Life?

Was it Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze in Ghost? ( I must say I quite like this one!)

Or as Mamamia suggested Johnny and Baby in Dirty Dancing?

An oldie like Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart, or Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh  in Gone With the Wind?

Perhaps the current Twilight obsession has you in its spell?

Maybe you’re a small screen freak and would nominate something from Friends, or Bones or Grey’s Anatomy?

Or do your tastes lean more towards the real life?  Something like the sacrificial Virgin – Diana being kissed by Charles on the balcony after their wedding?

Or do you prefer optimism with your kisses like the recent Wills and Kate Kiss?

Share your preferences with us all?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen of Pink Apple

I’m a Melbourne-based Relationship Advisor for couples who fear that their second marriage could fall apart just like their first did.

So I help them by reskilling them in effective relationship behaviours so they can be confident they won’t go back to old patterns!

Why not follow me on Facebook where I share my own and all sorts of other resources?

Warm regards

Chris Owen

For some it’s a fairly chaste peck, an obligatory smooch, or even an air kiss!

For others it’s a full on “pash” session.  (Often to choruses of “get a room” from the surrounding jealous crowd!)

Kissing is such an important part of  healthy relationships and a good sex life.  It’s a chance for instant intimacy, a way of saying “I love you”!.

So how was your first kiss of the year?  Was it a good old fashioned snog?  Or was it more down the “air kiss” end of the spectrum? Which category did you fall into?

SweetP (love of my life) and I spent a delightful evening (away from Casa Pink Apple) with old and new friends  and watched the Melbourne fireworks from a city balcony while sipping some yummy French Champagne!

And our kiss?

Let’s just say it was romantic and tender and I forgot the people around me as I sank into the moment.

So come on, tell us what kind of kiss makes you forgot about everything going on around you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen of Pink Apple

I’m a Melbourne-based Relationship Advisor for couples who fear that their second marriage could fall apart just like their first did.

So I help them by reskilling them in effective relationship behaviours so they can be confident they won’t go back to old patterns!

Why not follow me on Facebook where I share my own and all sorts of other resources?

Clearly I’m not really Warney and Liz’s Relationship Coach.  And I’d never break confidentiality like that!

But this ex-IVF nurse and midwife-turned Relationship-Advisor knows a thing or two about relationships under stress.  And of course I have 37 years experience in my own marriage.

So I thought I’d make this a series of Letters to Warney, where I’ll explore some of the issues that you might consider if you wanted to avoid making the same mistakes in your second marriage as you made in your first.

But this is a community we have here.

So why not let me know which topics/bits of advice you’d like me to give Warney and Liz, and all my avid readers?

I’ve also plucked up the courage got very courageous and recorded my letter to Warney.

So if you’d like to listen rather than read, then click on the arrow below!

Dear Warney

Chris Owen here from Pink Apple. And yes I’d be delighted to mentor you both into your new marriage.

Of course, I’m very grateful for you so generously suggesting I can report on our sessions together and share it with all my interested readers.

I must say, watching you both fall in lust love over the last ten months has reminded this old “Togethered” of that first flush of exhilarating romance.  Surprisingly enough we’ve all had that feeling, and, no you didn’t invent it!

Tumbling into that euphoric bliss is just the best fun, isn’t it?  It’s like being on the most exciting and the most scarey rollercoaster!  While those dazzling days might be short-lived, it’s an extravaganza while it happens, isn’t it?

Well, it is for those falling in love.  Maybe not so much for the long-suffering friends and family who kind of get left on the sidelines.  After all, those all-absorbing seconds in each other’s company take over your every waking thought!  And as for work, you’re hopelessly unproductive aren’t you?  We all know what that’s like!

Not that you’ve been shy at all!  We’ve watched each flirtatious step shared on Twitter.  You funky little Gen Xers, you!

But it did make we wonder if you’ve been as diligent in keeping up with the people who may help make the difference for you both when the going gets tougher.  Because of course it does get tougher.  But you know that already don’t you?

You know all that frothy Romantic Love is meant to morph into something else, don’t you Warney?  Of course you do, you’ve been married before.

You’re wiser now.  You know there’s a whole new phase of Depth and Intimacy to come, don’t you?  There won’t be any of that sliding into ordinary, everyday, disappointing, disillusioning marriage for you two, will there?

That’s what our work together will help with!

Can’t wait to begin work and share this with my avid readers.

And don’t forget I’ll expect you to do your homework!

Regards

Pink Apple

Chris Owen of Pink Apple helps people create Better Relationships

I’m a Melbourne-based Relationship Advisor for couples who fear that their second marriage could fall apart just like their first did.

So I help them by reskilling them in effective relationship behaviours so they can be confident they won’t go back to old patterns!

Why not follow me on Facebook where I share my own and all sorts of other resources?

Some people are very clever at keeping people at bay, so they don’t have to REALLY answer any questions put to them.

Sure, it’s annoying!  But is it such a big deal?   I asked a mate, who’s a bloke,  (Warwick Merry) to guest post …

Will You Please Answer The Question?

So often on TV shows that have a court room scene, some lawyer will ask a witness a question, that is responded to but not answered. Typically the lawyer interrupts with a very firm, “Will you please answer the question?”

Keep this in mind for Thursday.

You see, Thursday is R U OK Day. This has come about because people (particularly men) won’t answer the question.

We are in the habit of responding to “Are you ok?” with “I’m fine”.

What most men don’t realise is that FINE stands for:

F*&ked up,
Insecure,
Neurotic and
Emotional.

We don’t like exposing how we are feeling.  We carry invisible burdens that only we see and feel (and they are heavy burdens). For some men, and more and more women, these invisible burdens get so heavy that we get confused. In that confusion, suicide seems like a valid option.

The founder of the RUOK organisation, Gavin Larkin, founded it because his successful and gregarious father suicided.  (See Gavin’s story on Australian Story tonight on Australia’s ABC).  Gavin felt that a simple conversation started with the question R U OK would help combat the rising suicide numbers in Australia.

The question R U OK is very important, but not as important as the answer.

So on Thursday, don’t forget to ask the question to some of your friends, and if someone asks you the question, answer it!  Don’t have them feeling like the lawyer shouting “Will you please answer the question!”  A problem shared is a problem halved. For those men (typically in senior roles) who are thinking, “I couldn’t answer the question it would ruin my reputation, authority, ego or whatever” – today’s Get More Goer is dedicated to you.

Will you PLEASE answer the question?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

www.warwickmerry.com

Warwick Merry is The Get More Guy. Helping people and business Get More Results, More Energy and More Fun.

www.warwickmerry.com

www.facebook.com/GetMoreGuy

Lovers on the rocks are now airing issues in counselling sessions that have arisen from social media, chat rooms and dating websites…

Yes social media is fun and a quick and savvy way to keep up with each other, but I’m sorry I don’t think you can link social media to CAUSES of relationship breakdown!  It’s more like a way of seeing a symptom of problems!

True, you might find FUEL for your conflicts on social media, but if it wasn’t there, it would be on your partner’s mobile, or at the pub,  or anywhere that the usual relationship conflict issues arise.

If trust (jealousy)  is an issue in your relationship, then it will be; whether you’re on Facebook or not!

If you’re feeling rejected by your partner, then if it wasn’t your partner’s time on Twitter that was leaving you dejected, it would be something else.

Be brave and talk about it, preferably staying grown up and without fighting!

But if you do, then Fight Fair! (More on that later!)

And if you can’t do either of those then get some help!

I have a FEW empty appointments at the moment so give me a call if you need to.

_____________________________________

Chris Owen of Pink Apple helps people create Better Relationships

Chris Owen is an Aussie-based Relationship Advisor who muses on relationships, and helps couples make their relationships joy-filled – before it’s too late!

She shares resources, offers support, and debunks myths on Facebook and Twitter as well as here at the Better Relationships Blog.

John Cleese (photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/lucvanbraekel/)

This morning I watched John Cleese being interviewed on Australia’s Channel 9 morning TV programme the Today show.  He’s currently in Australia on his “alimony tour”.

Others may have seen a somewhat pompous “funny man”, perhaps a little past his prime.  What I couldn’t get past, was his endless “holding on” to a VICTIM mentality over the outrage of having to pay large alimony costs to his third wife.

I couldn’t help wonder if he put as much emotional energy into:

• knowing himself and his behaviour patterns better after the two previous wives before entering a third marriage?
• putting aside his ego enough during the marriage to offer respect and goodwill (as well as love of course) to his wife?
• actively working at being authentically the BEST husband he could be?
• and taking responsibility for his own behaviours in the relationship?

In light of the persistent bitterness I been hearing for months from John Cleese about how badly done by he is for this alimony outrage, METHINKS NOT!

When your marriage breaks down and reaches the point of divorce, we all know it is unenviably stressful.  No-one would wish it on themselves, or even their enemies!  So it’s especially sad when the stress turns into bitter and twisted.

It does no-one any good, most particularly the person unable to move forward emotionally, because they are still clinging to the bitterness of their marriage breakdown.

When baggage gets in the way

No-onecan “move towards” a new way of life when they can’t “move away from” or let go of the past.  If that’s happening in your life then warning bells should be clanging in your head!

Imagine the emotional energy drain that must cause! So busy being angry and bitter about the past, that you can’t own your own contribution to the breakdown of the relationship. You’re not going to turn up to a new relationship authentically while that baggage hangs around!

Believe me, there is ALWAYS some degree of mutual contribution for which each partner needs to take responsibility.  It might be simple things like:

• poor decisions,
• ignoring intuition or warning signs,
• failing to establish how mutual your values and beliefs were,
• or even failing to create an environment where trust can grow.
• Or it could be a massive contribution like abuse,
• the destruction of trust
• or any one of the many hurts couples can inflict on each other.

No-one’s saying it’s easy to get over the many pains of marriage breakdown but it is encumbent on you to do so before you enter a new relationship.  Otherwise your baggage will sink it, before it can swim!

Today Cleese made reference to a new relationship seemingly moving towards marriage.  How can that possibly be a success while one partner has such a tight grip on the evils of the past relationship?

It makes me wonder who’s helping the latest lady in Cleese’s life open her eyes.

Or do you see things differently?  I’d love to hear!

_____________________________________

Chris Owen of Pink Apple helps people create Better Relationships

Chris Owen is an Aussie-based Relationship Advisor who muses on relationships, and helps couples make their relationships joy-filled – before it’s too late!

She shares resources, offers support, and debunks myths on Facebook and Twitter as well as here at the Better Relationships Blog.

One of the early ones was Iggy Pintado, author of  Connection Generation, and all-round nice guy!  Iggy is a man of deep authenticity and integrity, and one I admire immensely.

Today is Iggy and his wife Kerry’s 25th Wedding Anniversary.

To mark the occasion they answered a question many people have asked them.  They wrote a joint blog post about what they thought was the key to their successful marriage.

It’s simple and has 3 key points, I encourage you to go read it and absorb some of their wisdom.

It’s much more real than anything I could say!