When couples come to me they are often in a state of total turmoil.  They have lost their way, they have lost their connection and they have lost themselves.  What they want from me is a solution to the situation.  They want a magic key to unlock the glorious future that they had planned when they first became a couple.

I help them to find the magic key that fits best and I show them how to use it.  That is why I am a relationship coach rather than counsellor.

So you want to know what the difference is.

Let me explain it this way.  If you were a footballer who was having trouble kicking that goal, what would help you most – someone who works with you to find a better way of kicking or someone who helps you examine your feelings about the situation?  I thought so.  You want to kick those goals, don’t you?  You need someone to coach you so that you can make the best kick possible.

While there is definitely a place for both roles, and quite often there is an overlap between them.  I believe that the solution-focused approach of coaching is the best way to avert a march to the divorce court.

Counselling often involves looking backwards and examining the events that got you to this point.  You may learn a lot about why you feel the way you do.  It can help to resolve a lot of the sensitive emotions dangling between you and your partner, but it may not show you how to move forward.  Coaching is just like solving a problem.  It is all about identifying solutions and helping couples develop new skills to help them move forward.

How Do We Do It?

Pink Apple uses several different tools for coaching.

One of those comes from the professional development techniques of the  workplace.  Pink Apple helps you bring those to the privacy of your home and relationship with surprising success.

The Relating Better Program walks you through a unique problem solving process.  It helps you identify your own and your partner’s problem solving styles and how they align – and more to the point how they CLASH.

With new insights you can both learn how to understand each other better.  Understanding means you avoid the mounting tensions and conflicts that arise from frustration with your different styles.  Relating Better demonstrates how to use new strategies to get off the merry-go-round of problem solving leading to conflict!

I can’t tell you how much old Pink Apple here LOVES seeing couples take control of their futures.

My happiest moments as a coach are when I see couples walk off with hope in their eyes, a newly blossoming trust in each other and a clear road to take.

If you or your partner needs to learn some new skills within your relationship then come and see me.  It would be my absolute pleasure to be your coach.

There are so many terms that are used as euphemisms for sexual intercourse that one finds it hard to keep up really!

And I’m talking about terms that can be used in polite conversation.  That is, if you can describe conversations that include talk of sexual intercourse as polite!  That, of course, is a matter of opinion.

I remember in my first interview for a job in Assisted Reproductive Techology (IVF et al), I was asked about my ability to talk about sex with people without me or them feeling uncomfortable.  My reply?  Something about having three teenaged sons teaching me quite enough about how to conduct matter-of-fact conversations about sex!

Going Going Gone by Agent of Darkness on Flickr

So yes I probably talk about sex more often than most people without even considering using some coy terms!   But I do adapt my terminology to the situation and the discussion.

Love-making, sex, intercourse, and others I won’t inflict on you!

But lots of couples have a pet name for it.  It’s a bit like lots of people have pet names for their genitalia or for their partner’s genitalia!  (Now, THAT I struggle to understand!)

It was reading SunnyMummyAus’s blog Sunny Mummy that got me me musing on pet names!  Her choice is Marvin (if you read this you’ll understand)!

Of course your favourite euphemism will often betray your generation and/or your cultural heritage!  Clearly Sunny Mummy Aus is an 80s chick!

In the interests of social history, science (or a good laugh), Pink Apple would like to ask you all to assist our research as we try to establish a list of  names for “it”!

Our personal favourite comes from a couple of babyboomer radio announcers here in Melbourne!  Grubby and DeeDee on Gold104 (Rock and Pop Classics). They call it “oofty magoofty”!

I like it because it has a kind of subtlety that the more literal terms seem to totally misunderstand!  In fact it’s quite hard to know how to spell it as I’m convinced that there is no such term in modern English.

However “oofty magoofty” MUST head up this list – for no other reason than that it’s MY list!!

Now PLEASE people, don’t take this as an opportunity to be offensive!  I’ll be monitoring this post and deleting anything unacceptable.  And be creative!  We all know what f*** means!  And by the way, I’ll take the post down if it becomes an issue!

Pink Apple’s List Of Sex Euphemisms!

• Oofty Magoofty
• Horizontal Rumba
• Playing Hide the Sausage
• The Love Dance
• Banging
• Making Whoopie
• Hokey Pokey
• Rumpy Pumpy
• Marvin
• (your suggestion)

Thanks all and let’s get laughing! After all Relationships don’t have to be serious all the time!

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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.  I add a Relationship Tip there every day.

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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.

If you want a better relationship, but don’t know how to get it, then why not follow the beating heart in sidebar of this blog and take the Relationship Mojo Test?  You’ll receive Chris’ free E-Book
Your Relationship: From Mojo to Marvellous to help you improve your relationship. Oh and there are other bonuses to be found on the other side of that beating heart!

Triggers for conflict can be as diverse as money management, unequal libidos, parenting differences, and how you squeeze the toothpaste.

One lesser known, but highly inflammatory one is sleep-farting! (Yes pun intended!) Or to be more delicate, let’s call it flatulence.

A matter commonly only discussed in the bedrooms of couples the world over, this problem gets up lots of partner’s noses!

Oh alright, I’ll stop with the puns…

But I had to just share with you this wonderful new product …

Seeing it’s not April 1st I’m going to believe this, because I found it on the internet! Isn’t that a good enough reason?

For a good laugh, and perhaps even an opportunity to discuss this delicate issue with your partner, why not watch this wonderful advertisement?

By the way I’m so grateful to Sandi Gamble and The Huffington Post for alerting me to this fabulous product!   (Well alright I’ve no idea if it’s fabulous, but it’s amused me enough to get me blogging again, so it must be fabulous!!)  ENJOY!  And please let me know if you actually own one of these!!!

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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.  I add a Relationship Tip there every day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.

If you want a better relationship, but don’t know how to get it, then why not follow the beating heart in sidebar of this blog and take the Relationship Mojo Test?  You’ll receive Chris’ free E-Book
Your Relationship: From Mojo to Marvellous to help you improve your relationship. Oh and there are other bonuses to be found on the other side of that beating heart!

As he said in his email to his subscribers  “Wouldn’t you love to personally design the mate of your  dreams?”

While that could sound a bit like Frankenstein’s monster, there is some truth in it, isn’t there.  We’ve all got a bit of a list of preferences while we’re out on the dating scene!  Come on! Admit it!!

So let’s play a game. You can now design your ideal mate. Pick from any of the traits described below and even add some you don’t see. Go wild. Create a list of all the positive traits you wish for in your mate. Your dream partner can now be assembled like ordering a new car. [more]

Peter and his wife Ellyn Bader run The Couples Institute in the US.  I am a regular reader of their work and find their techniques filtering into my own work by osmosis.

Clearly for all my Aussie readers the Bader Pearsons are only available online.  But when you have come to grips with your DIY quest and realised that perhap the two of you could do with some help to get back on track, then Pink Apple’s Solutions for Now might just fit the bill!

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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.  I add a Relationship Tip there every day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.

If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.

But, as we all know, one woman’s precious CAN be another woman’s crap, so it was a wee bit stressful and draining!

However, I made one very precious find almost by accident.

Tucked into an old, small, wooden cigar box, that must have belonged to my Dad many years ago, I found three letters in my father’s bold, beautifully-crafted, and unmistakeable handwriting.

Yeah! You guessed it. I opened them.

In my defence, I had some conscience.   It took me quite a while to pluck up the courage to go plundering my parent’s relationship.

But how glad I was!  As I sat there with tears pouring down my face (I’m even crying now as I recall it) I felt so blessed to have this little glimpse into their early and precious relationship.

Are you shocked …

… at me invading my parent’s privacy like that?

I’m sorry if I’ve gone plummeting in your estimation!  But now that Mum’s memory has gone, it’s us, her daughters, for whom these letters have become precious. So I have no doubt in my mind any more.  I did the right thing.  The contents of that wooden box are now even more precious!

But opening that box was such a grief-flooding moment.  I could feel the physical hurt in my chest, as I caught sight of Dad’s handwriting again, after so many years.

At the sight of  those letters lying in their simple wooden cradle, I just reacted. I HAD to touch those letters, those connections with the Dad I’d lost to death, and the Mum I was losing to a disease gobbling away at her brain cells, days by day.

I ran my fingertip over the writing on the envelope.

I’d never had the chance to have an adult relationship with my Dad, he died before we had a chance to get over the polar opposite positions of my adolescence and his old age.  So despite the intervening years, the yearning in me is still powerful.  I endlessly seek to know my father as a man, the way most people get to discover their parents once they become adults and parents themselves.

In that old cigar box, were three beautifully-scribed love letters, written by my Dad to my Mum in the mid-1940s around the time of their engagement.

It suddenly felt like I was in the middle of a war-time movie.   My mum and dad seemed to leap out of the photo albums and come to life, 40′s fashions and all!

I saw two people I knew so well in a totally new and different light – madly in love. I’d never seen signs of romance, open affection, or anything else overt between them.  This was a window into A Fine Romance, a war-time romance between a quiet shy man and his friend’s secretary.

In his letters, Dad talked of how much he missed being with her, how it felt to leave her, and how wonderful it felt to see her again.

They were simple messages.  Simple words.  But powerful emotion.

The joy and excitement of his love was there in the respectful words, the gentle, tender wooing, and the encouragement he gave her. Without even a hint of eroticism, his ardour and desire for her jumped off the page.

It left me thinking about my own relationship, and grateful that some day our children will find our love letters too.

What legacy of your love are you leaving?

What do you think your children will discover after they’ve buried you?

(What’s that?  Am I being a bit too confronting?  Sorry, but we NEVER know when death will separate us from our loved ones.  Hence why we need to love well – right now!)

The quick emails, and text messages that we tend to exchange now, won’t even exist. They’ll be gone into the technical ether.

Let’s get down to tin tacks here.  Have you ever written a love letter?

Have you ever received one? Do you remember what it felt like to receive it? When I receive a love letter, the rawness and vulnerability of the message of love will bring tears of gratitude and intense emotion.

Have you kept these precious love letters?

There’s a strong argument for not losing this old and cherished skill. That is, apart from the sheer joy of receiving love letters, of course.

How much poorer would the world be if Byron hadn’t written of his love? If Charlotte Bronte or Napoleon had used texts? If Elizabeth Barrett Browning or CS Lewis had whipped off a quick email?

Have I got you thinking?

So, what do you want your partner to know about your feelings?

How often do you convey that?

So what’s stopping you from saying those things in a love letter?

Are you scared of writing a love letter? Do you think letters are only for when someone is far away? Do you believe you’re not capable of flowery/romantic language, or even of writing a letter any more? Do you think your Significant Other will think you’re an idiot?

Go on, the challenge is out! I dare you to try it. Who needs wireless broadband when you’ve got a pen?

If I’m talking to the converted, why not add some extra impetus to my argument by sharing your story in the comments below.

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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.  I add a Relationship Tip there every day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.

If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.

The lovely Renee Mayne of  Bra Queen, spied this article in a recent newspaper and, using Facebook, dialled up THIS Relationship Expert for my opinions and advice.  Since then, I notice the bandwagon is rolling along nicely as journalists and bloggers hitch a ride.  So why not me too?

I must say some authors are very good at using audacious claims for getting press and web coverage!  If nothing else you’ve got to give Lori Gottlieb a tick for free-publicity and maybe it’s even given her some income!  Because you see, the author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr Good Enough has fanned feminist flames with a nice little dose of audacity!

What am I talking about?

Well, according to The Age and SMH,  this 40-something author claims women should be accepting Mr Good-Enough over the endless search for Mr Right!

Gottlieb’s theory is that if you’ve hit 30, and still haven’t found Mr Right, then you should take her hard-earned wisdom and settle for Mr Good-Enough.  Once you hit her age, and still haven’t found your man, you’ll be rueing the day in your 30s that you knocked back Mr Uninspiring and Ordinary, and kept dreaming of the idyllic Mr Right!

Becky Hugh, another London journo, passionately responded the next day with We Must Never Stop Searching For Mr Right.  Both she and Gottlieb used fictional characters to develop their arguments quoting Jane Eyre, Mary Tyler Moore, Rachel from Friends, and the ubiquitous  Carrie Bradshaw as demonstrating informed decisions.  Come on ladies!  Enough with the emotive stuff!!!!

Here at Pink Apple, I have no need to sell newspapers with outrageous claims or emotive arguments.

But I’m not ashamed to admit that I welcome a chance to air my thoughts so that you, my readers, can tell if I’m someone you’d look to for Relationship Advice.

Really it’s not about whether I agree with Ms Gottlieb, because I think she’s lassoed the issue and dragged it off over a paddock that’s far from the warmth of the farm.

So let’s see what’s at the farm…

What are the important things about choosing a life partner?

Should there be a checklist of ideal qualities?

Should there be a deal-breaker?  Should that be love?

Pink Apple’s Tips on Choosing The Right Partner

1.  Develop communication skills as a journey not a destination.

You’ll never be perfect at communication skills, any more than you will be perfect at anything else.  Like kicking a footy, knitting a complex pattern, or singing a folk song or an aria, it’s always a mix of a bit of talent and endless bloody hard work.  Seek education and feedback, and monitor your skills with endless attention and development.

2.  Learn how to negotiate effectively and become more comfortable with compromise.

Practise these skills in your workplace, amongst friends, and in your family.  Remember that compromise is NOT lying down and being a door mat, or getting your own way!   Learn to recognise your signs of assertiveness and aggression and cultivate win/win moments wherever you can.

3.  Befriend your values and live them

Reflect on what things you could not bear to be parted from in your life.  These are the clues to your values.  Become familiar with them to the point of knowing where they lie in your priorities.  If there’s any checklist to be had, it’s a checklist for you to ensure you’re living by your values.

4.  Know your problem solving styles

We each go about solving problems with our own unique mix of preferences and aversions.  Knowing which parts of the process are your style and what you’ll actively avoid will help your awareness and develop your capacity for negotiation and compromise.

5.  Feel your feelings

Within all non-work relationships, problem solving cannot happen without each having an awareness of facts, as well as the opinions and feelings of the other.  If you don’t know what you’re feeling or can’t put a name to it, then problem solving is compromised.

6.  Cultivate respect and goodwill

One of the key indicators of lasting relationships is not if/how we fight but instead our capacity to heal the relationship after conflicts.  That’s when respect and goodwill become critical ingredients to our ability to create and nurture healing.

7. Learn how to fight.

Picking your battles is the first step in fighting fairly.  Running your negative reactions through the will-this-matter-in-12-months-time meter, is another important element.  Finally if you need to fight then learn to manage your emotions and be ready to go back after the fight and seek to solve the problem

8.   Recognise what you are tolerating in your life and allowing to sap your energy.

Tolerations are the things we put up with even though they conflict with our core values.  Because tolerations commonly fly beneath our conscious radar, they will drain us of emotional energy.  Regularly review your tolerations and declutter them from your physical, environmental, mental and emotional lives.

9.  Be the Right Partner

Show up to every person you meet as the authentic you.  Love yourself, appreciate yourself, take responsibility for meeting your own needs as a matter of daily habit.  You show up as a real and attractive person and not a needy one.

You’ll notice it’s all about being the best you, you can be.

So whether Mr Right has a cute bum, cooks well, loves kids, or is dedicated to work/life balance won’t really matter.

Being the best you you can be will ensure that self-awareness directs your decisions.

(If you struggle with building these skills in being the best you, then seek some professional help.  And keep your eyes open for upcoming Pink Apple Teleseminars!)

Finally, yes love is an essential part of the selection mix. And if I had a couple in front of me, for whom love was not a primary driver , then yes I’d see it as a deal-breaker!

But there was one thing I did agree with in Amy Willis’ article in The Age.  She sought advice from Prof Cary Cooper, a psychologist at Lancaster University:

… women unable to find their dream man should not see themselves as settling for second best.

He said: “No man or woman has all the characteristics you would look for; it would be a miracle to find your number one.

“You have to find somebody with as many good characteristics as possible. The main problem is that many people haven’t worked out what those characteristics are. People need to sit down and work out what they want and then go looking for someone who at least ticks some of your top priorities.”

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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.  I add a Relationship Tip there every day.

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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.

But if someone you love is not feeling like celebrating, perhaps there’s a good reason.

Depression.

I could write a whole article about that, but why would I? I’ve just seen a terrifically effective simple article about depression over on my friend Renee Mayne of Bra Queen’s site!  It may explain a lot.

And if depression is wobbling your relationship off it’s stable footing, Pink Apple (as a skilled counsellor) can help you establish a new footing that accommodates the Black Dog in your family.

Using Pink Apple’s Relating Better Program, all three of us could have a 2-hour (one-off and no obligation) First Steps Session to establish how things are, and what might need to be different. It will help you:

• take stock of what the situation is
• get clear what you want to do about it.
• decide if you want some coaching assistance

Relating Better also has a Solutions for Now Program which may be one of the options you could choose.

Solutions For Now is a series of four coaching sessions and uses an assessment tool to establish your preferred behaviour styles.  It’s intended to help you regain the lost connection between you.  It will help you:

• get over a problem that’s been holding back your relationship/could lead to the breakdown of your relationship
• use new tools to address an old problem
• get objective feedback on how your preferred behavior styles might be impacting your relationships

Depression in your family creates hurdles for everyone including the sufferer.  Depression and that bloody Black Dog have visited our family just as it visits many!  So Pink Apple has an intimate knowledge of what happens when it starts running around in a relationship.  We’d love to help you move forward.

In the meantime, go over and read Renee’s simple and to-the-point Depression Checklist.

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If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.  I add a Relationship Tip there every day.

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Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.

Solving problems comes from working through the various stages of Relating Better* (more to come on that very soon!) 

The first stage in solving a problem (and in the Relating Better model*) is exploring what that problem really is.  Looking at it thoroughly and gathering all the information you know or need about it.  That information INCLUDES the thoughts AND FEELINGS each of you have about the problem! 

 But how often do you want to tippy-toe into what feelings are there, if it's a sticky problem?

After all, your mind is probably screaming at you – "Don't GO THERE, buddy!"

Well today I found another tool that might help.  It's written by my favourite relationship experts Ellen Bader and Peter Pearson, whose approach to relationships steers my professional development and influences how I work with couples.

In helping you all have better relationships, I'm always happy to share whatever good stuff I find. 

This will be worth clicking through and having a look at!

A lot of stuff gets printed about communication for couples.
However, effective communication on a sensitive topic requires just
FOCUS. That’s right. Focus on two things and your communication success
will soar.

Do this and you will look like star graduates of the Dale Carnegie school of How to Win Friends and Influence Your Spouse.

Imagine this scenario: You can no longer avoid a high twitch or
volatile topic and you are sick of discussions going nowhere. You’ve
had it with constantly arguing, or never getting lasting results. It
could be [more]

* By the way, have you subscribed to my newsletter?  My subscribers get a monthly enewsletter but also get first chances on all new offers. (And with Relating Better programs launching soon, it might be worth your while to hear about them early!)  Subscribe in that box up the top right corner of this page.