Posts Tagged ‘relationship advice’
Writing Your Way to a Better Relationship
A while ago we moved Mum into a nursing home. That meant cleaning out her house. Predictably for an elderly lady, there were lots of crap things. We knew that in amongst the crap, were bound to be things of sentimental value, antique value, and just plain precious to Mum for no reason we could think of! We had to try and honour all those things and be practical too!
But, as we all know, one woman’s precious CAN be another woman’s crap, so it was a wee bit stressful and draining!
However, I made one very precious find almost by accident.
Tucked into an old, small, wooden cigar box, that must have belonged to my Dad many years ago, I found three letters in my father’s bold, beautifully-crafted, and unmistakeable handwriting.
Yeah! You guessed it. I opened them.
In my defence, I had some conscience. It took me quite a while to pluck up the courage to go plundering my parent’s relationship.
But how glad I was! As I sat there with tears pouring down my face (I’m even crying now as I recall it) I felt so blessed to have this little glimpse into their early and precious relationship.
Are you shocked …
… at me invading my parent’s privacy like that?
I’m sorry if I’ve gone plummeting in your estimation! But now that Mum’s memory has gone, it’s us, her daughters, for whom these letters have become precious. So I have no doubt in my mind any more. I did the right thing. The contents of that wooden box are now even more precious!
But opening that box was such a grief-flooding moment. I could feel the physical hurt in my chest, as I caught sight of Dad’s handwriting again, after so many years.
At the sight of those letters lying in their simple wooden cradle, I just reacted. I HAD to touch those letters, those connections with the Dad I’d lost to death, and the Mum I was losing to a disease gobbling away at her brain cells, days by day.
I ran my fingertip over the writing on the envelope.
I’d never had the chance to have an adult relationship with my Dad, he died before we had a chance to get over the polar opposite positions of my adolescence and his old age. So despite the intervening years, the yearning in me is still powerful. I endlessly seek to know my father as a man, the way most people get to discover their parents once they become adults and parents themselves.
In that old cigar box, were three beautifully-scribed love letters, written by my Dad to my Mum in the mid-1940s around the time of their engagement.
It suddenly felt like I was in the middle of a war-time movie. My mum and dad seemed to leap out of the photo albums and come to life, 40’s fashions and all!
I saw two people I knew so well in a totally new and different light – madly in love. I’d never seen signs of romance, open affection, or anything else overt between them. This was a window into A Fine Romance, a war-time romance between a quiet shy man and his friend’s secretary.
In his letters, Dad talked of how much he missed being with her, how it felt to leave her, and how wonderful it felt to see her again.
They were simple messages. Simple words. But powerful emotion.
The joy and excitement of his love was there in the respectful words, the gentle, tender wooing, and the encouragement he gave her. Without even a hint of eroticism, his ardour and desire for her jumped off the page.
It left me thinking about my own relationship, and grateful that some day our children will find our love letters too.
What legacy of your love are you leaving?
What do you think your children will discover after they’ve buried you?
(What’s that? Am I being a bit too confronting? Sorry, but we NEVER know when death will separate us from our loved ones. Hence why we need to love well – right now!)
The quick emails, and text messages that we tend to exchange now, won’t even exist. They’ll be gone into the technical ether.
Let’s get down to tin tacks here. Have you ever written a love letter?
Have you ever received one? Do you remember what it felt like to receive it? When I receive a love letter, the rawness and vulnerability of the message of love will bring tears of gratitude and intense emotion.
Have you kept these precious love letters?
There’s a strong argument for not losing this old and cherished skill. That is, apart from the sheer joy of receiving love letters, of course.
How much poorer would the world be if Byron hadn’t written of his love? If Charlotte Bronte or Napoleon had used texts? If Elizabeth Barrett Browning or CS Lewis had whipped off a quick email?
Have I got you thinking?
So, what do you want your partner to know about your feelings?
How often do you convey that?
So what’s stopping you from saying those things in a love letter?
Are you scared of writing a love letter? Do you think letters are only for when someone is far away? Do you believe you’re not capable of flowery/romantic language, or even of writing a letter any more? Do you think your Significant Other will think you’re an idiot?
Go on, the challenge is out! I dare you to try it. Who needs wireless broadband when you’ve got a pen?
If I’m talking to the converted, why not add some extra impetus to my argument by sharing your story in the comments below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook. I add a Relationship Tip there every day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.
If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
Have the Kisses Changed in Your Relationship?
I’ve got a few impertinent questions for you! After all, I am a Relationship Queen and part of my job is to throw out challenges! So …
What’s the best kissing memory of your whole life?
Do you believe that long languorous kisses only belong to new lovers? Or in movies and TV Shows?
Do your long languorous kisses only belong in the bedroom, once you’re married/partnered? Or at least in the privacy of your own home?
Be honest! Do long languorous kisses still have a regular place in your relationship? Do you at least do them in front of your kids?
What does a long languorous kiss mean to you?
I know it might seem like old Pink Apple has not had enough lip action, not played enough tonsil tiggy, and has generally resorted to getting her pleasures vicariously. But it’s not true. I’m perfectly happy with the kissing action in my life. But my question is, are you?
Kissing is such a funny thing.
Do you remember your first ever romantic kiss?
Girls (and I guess boys) talk about it endlessly when we were teenagers. I’m guessing that much adolescent (or pre-adolescent -sigh!) effort is put into becoming skilled at it. How do you do it? What about noses? Who moves their head? How do you breathe? What about tongues? It’s all so exciting, and just a bit scary.
We give it all kinds of names. Snogging, pashing, necking, petting, smooching, sucking face. Every era has a different name for it!
And then when we become partnered, kissing can become a perfunctory part of every day life. There’s hellos and goodbyes, and sometimes not even that. There’s birthday and Christmas kisses. There’s kisses in the bedroom that are meant to send not-so-subtle messages.
But what happened to kissing for its own sake?
So recently I put one of my Relationship Tips up on the Pink Apple Facebook Fan Page and suggested a long languorous kiss just before you head out the door.
You see, it doesn’t take a lot to make you both stop and remember that this is your “Relationship” as much as it is your daily life. Try surprising your partner with a long kiss just as you’re about to go out, and what happens?
Now if we assume you don’t suddenly decide to be late for the party and turn around and head for the bedroom…
What happens is that your surprised partner suddenly remembers who you are and why they love you. The rest of your evening is spent with both of you just slightly distracted and with a secret smile hovering on their lips. There’s hopes that perhaps the kissing may return when you get home. You share a tiny little secret between you and the sense of connection between you is heightened.
They all sound like pretty good things for any relationship.
But, of course, you don’t necessarily need to be going out to break the monotony of daily life together, by injecting this spicy kiss into your twosome. It just needs to come at a time when your partner is least expecting it. It needs to be a sexy kiss at a time when sex is not really an option. Of course the point is to build some sexual tension/energy.
It could be the morning kiss as you depart for work that gets the long languorous touch! Or maybe the one in the kitchen while you’re preparing dinner that evening (together of course!) That’s a good one because while your kids may protest at the “obscenity” of their parents being “yucky” or disgusting, the message you send about you as two people who love each other, is REALLY IMPORTANT! It’s good modelling of positive relating. And that’s one of your jobs as parents!
Or maybe, you want to be a bit more public and choose the escalator at the local shopping centre, or a lift!
Anyway you get the message …
And maybe you’ve even got some suggestions …
Feel free to leave a comment!
So my challenge to you is to give it a try and see what response you get! Go slap a kiss on that partner of yours that will take his/her breath away.
Don’t forget to come back and tell us how it went!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook. I add a Relationship Tip there every day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
Mr Right or Mr Good – Choosing the Right Relationship Partner
When you’re a Relationship Expert, you get some unusual calls!
The lovely Renee Mayne of Bra Queen, spied this article in a recent newspaper and, using Facebook, dialled up THIS Relationship Expert for my opinions and advice. Since then, I notice the bandwagon is rolling along nicely as journalists and bloggers hitch a ride. So why not me too?
I must say some authors are very good at using audacious claims for getting press and web coverage! If nothing else you’ve got to give Lori Gottlieb a tick for free-publicity and maybe it’s even given her some income! Because you see, the author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr Good Enough has fanned feminist flames with a nice little dose of audacity!
What am I talking about?
Well, according to The Age and SMH, this 40-something author claims women should be accepting Mr Good-Enough over the endless search for Mr Right!
Gottlieb’s theory is that if you’ve hit 30, and still haven’t found Mr Right, then you should take her hard-earned wisdom and settle for Mr Good-Enough. Once you hit her age, and still haven’t found your man, you’ll be rueing the day in your 30s that you knocked back Mr Uninspiring and Ordinary, and kept dreaming of the idyllic Mr Right!
Becky Hugh, another London journo, passionately responded the next day with We Must Never Stop Searching For Mr Right. Both she and Gottlieb used fictional characters to develop their arguments quoting Jane Eyre, Mary Tyler Moore, Rachel from Friends, and the ubiquitous Carrie Bradshaw as demonstrating informed decisions. Come on ladies! Enough with the emotive stuff!!!!
Here at Pink Apple, I have no need to sell newspapers with outrageous claims or emotive arguments.
But I’m not ashamed to admit that I welcome a chance to air my thoughts so that you, my readers, can tell if I’m someone you’d look to for Relationship Advice.
Really it’s not about whether I agree with Ms Gottlieb, because I think she’s lassoed the issue and dragged it off over a paddock that’s far from the warmth of the farm.
So let’s see what’s at the farm…
What are the important things about choosing a life partner?
Should there be a checklist of ideal qualities?
Should there be a deal-breaker? Should that be love?
Pink Apple’s Tips on Choosing The Right Partner
1. Develop communication skills as a journey not a destination.
You’ll never be perfect at communication skills, any more than you will be perfect at anything else. Like kicking a footy, knitting a complex pattern, or singing a folk song or an aria, it’s always a mix of a bit of talent and endless bloody hard work. Seek education and feedback, and monitor your skills with endless attention and development.
2. Learn how to negotiate effectively and become more comfortable with compromise.
Practise these skills in your workplace, amongst friends, and in your family. Remember that compromise is NOT lying down and being a door mat, or getting your own way! Learn to recognise your signs of assertiveness and aggression and cultivate win/win moments wherever you can.
3. Befriend your values and live them
Reflect on what things you could not bear to be parted from in your life. These are the clues to your values. Become familiar with them to the point of knowing where they lie in your priorities. If there’s any checklist to be had, it’s a checklist for you to ensure you’re living by your values.
4. Know your problem solving styles
We each go about solving problems with our own unique mix of preferences and aversions. Knowing which parts of the process are your style and what you’ll actively avoid will help your awareness and develop your capacity for negotiation and compromise.
5. Feel your feelings
Within all non-work relationships, problem solving cannot happen without each having an awareness of facts, as well as the opinions and feelings of the other. If you don’t know what you’re feeling or can’t put a name to it, then problem solving is compromised.
6. Cultivate respect and goodwill
One of the key indicators of lasting relationships is not if/how we fight but instead our capacity to heal the relationship after conflicts. That’s when respect and goodwill become critical ingredients to our ability to create and nurture healing.
7. Learn how to fight.
Picking your battles is the first step in fighting fairly. Running your negative reactions through the will-this-matter-in-12-months-time meter, is another important element. Finally if you need to fight then learn to manage your emotions and be ready to go back after the fight and seek to solve the problem
8. Recognise what you are tolerating in your life and allowing to sap your energy.
Tolerations are the things we put up with even though they conflict with our core values. Because tolerations commonly fly beneath our conscious radar, they will drain us of emotional energy. Regularly review your tolerations and declutter them from your physical, environmental, mental and emotional lives.
9. Be the Right Partner
Show up to every person you meet as the authentic you. Love yourself, appreciate yourself, take responsibility for meeting your own needs as a matter of daily habit. You show up as a real and attractive person and not a needy one.
You’ll notice it’s all about being the best you, you can be.
So whether Mr Right has a cute bum, cooks well, loves kids, or is dedicated to work/life balance won’t really matter.
Being the best you you can be will ensure that self-awareness directs your decisions.
(If you struggle with building these skills in being the best you, then seek some professional help. And keep your eyes open for upcoming Pink Apple Teleseminars!)
Finally, yes love is an essential part of the selection mix. And if I had a couple in front of me, for whom love was not a primary driver , then yes I’d see it as a deal-breaker!
But there was one thing I did agree with in Amy Willis’ article in The Age. She sought advice from Prof Cary Cooper, a psychologist at Lancaster University:
… women unable to find their dream man should not see themselves as settling for second best.
He said: “No man or woman has all the characteristics you would look for; it would be a miracle to find your number one.
“You have to find somebody with as many good characteristics as possible. The main problem is that many people haven’t worked out what those characteristics are. People need to sit down and work out what they want and then go looking for someone who at least ticks some of your top priorities.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook. I add a Relationship Tip there every day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
Depression – The Black Dog Might Be Living in Your Relationship
It’s Australia Day and we’re all supposed to be celebrating.
But if someone you love is not feeling like celebrating, perhaps there’s a good reason.
Depression.
I could write a whole article about that, but why would I? I’ve just seen a terrifically effective simple article about depression over on my friend Renee Mayne of Bra Queen’s site! It may explain a lot.
And if depression is wobbling your relationship off it’s stable footing, Pink Apple (as a skilled counsellor) can help you establish a new footing that accommodates the Black Dog in your family.
Using Pink Apple’s Relating Better Program, all three of us could have a 2-hour (one-off and no obligation) First Steps Session to establish how things are, and what might need to be different. It will help you:
- take stock of what the situation is
- get clear what you want to do about it.
- decide if you want some coaching assistance
Relating Better also has a Solutions for Now Program which may be one of the options you could choose.
Solutions For Now is a series of four coaching sessions and uses an assessment tool to establish your preferred behaviour styles. It’s intended to help you regain the lost connection between you. It will help you:
- get over a problem that’s been holding back your relationship/could lead to the breakdown of your relationship
- use new tools to address an old problem
- get objective feedback on how your preferred behavior styles might be impacting your relationships
Depression in your family creates hurdles for everyone including the sufferer. Depression and that bloody Black Dog have visited our family just as it visits many! So Pink Apple has an intimate knowledge of what happens when it starts running around in a relationship. We’d love to help you move forward.
In the meantime, go over and read Renee’s simple and to-the-point Depression Checklist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook. I add a Relationship Tip there every day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
How Compliments Build Relationship Energy – Let’s Create A Benefits List
It’s a simple thing to compliment someone.
But surprisingly many of us struggle with giving or receiving compliments or both.
If you want the person you love to know you love them, then compliments need to be part of your daily relationship toolkit!
Let’s assume you know how to give a compliment. (If you need some help send me an email, a FB message, or a DM on Twitter and I’ll send you a tipsheet.)
Let’s also assume you know how to receive one. (Yes that’s right, just say Thank you, is all!)
So what’s in for you to give compliments out (AT LEAST ONCE A DAY to your lover, kids, and friends and colleagues)?
Benefits of a Good Compliment Each Day.
- More smiles in your day, improving everyone’s wellbeing.
- The people around you feel respected and affirmed by you.
- People around you whose Love Language is Words of Affirmation get a laser-like message of your affection and love.
- Reignited romance in your love life, and who knows what benefits that might create!
- Heightened co-operation in your family and household. The kids might even help with some chores!
- With improved emotional wellbeing, comes improved physical well-being and reduced risks of physical illness and dependence on alcohol, cigarettes and overeating.
- Leaving a legacy to the world of well-rounded, assertive, and compassionate children, and others, influenced by you.
Now that’s just a few benefits off the top of my head. If you’ve got more suggestions, then send em to me and I’ll add em to the list. Surely between us all we could come up with at least 50 BENEFITS TO COMPLIMENTS or even more!!!!
The challenge is on! (Leave a Reply below and add a benefit!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you’d rather get a short message from Pink Apple then become a Fan on FaceBook. I’m adding a Relationship Tip there every day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.
Relationship Advice for the Holiday Season
Good relationship advice comes from lots of sources and I love being your Google for better relationships! I figure that better relationships can come from gathering not just my thoughts but many others as well.
Suzanne Falter-Barns has some thought-provoking advice for looking after YOU in the midst of those who might not “get” the life you choose to live.
I am always reminding clients that there is no such thing as a fully functional family. We all have our glitches. Even when you love your family unconditionally, you don’t have to like the behaviours some members sometimes choose to demonstrate! And sometimes those behaviours can be comments or attacks that will hurt and leave us raw.
So let’s see how Suzanne comes at the problem …
How to Protect a Fragile Platform at Dysfunctional Family Get-Togethers
A holiday reprint of one of my most popular articles…
OK, it’s the holidays. And with the holidays come family. And with family comes either buckets of love and support for your dream … or a certain coolness.
It’s not that all family members mean to be intentionally rude; it just may be that they can’t relate to what you’re up to. Could be you’re the ‘creative one’ in the family, and they just don’t get why you had to quit your job in banking to be a life coach who works nights at Starbucks. And yes, sadly enough, there may be certain family members who are simply jealous – especially if you’re successful doing what you love and they’re not.
You can protect this very important thing you are meant to do. Think of your platform as a tiny, newborn child — one who will thrive, but only if you give it proper nurturing and protection.
May I offer some tips for taking care of your dream baby over the holidays? Top of the season to you!
- Remember that you’re not around to live up to anyone else’s expectations … save for you own. A little affirmation to that end can be really useful when up against it. Try repeating a key phrase to yourself if the going gets really rough, like “I’m more than enough, just the way I am.”
- Hold your work as sacred. After all, it really is sacred, right? If you want to make sure, give it this test: At the end of your life, will you be proud of your dream accomplishments … or filled with regret?
- Interpret criticism, jealousy, and sarcasm as a good sign. It means you’re pushing buttons and sounding true. Not only that, it means you’re making a difference. Small thinkers do find that especially annoying.
- Don’t snipe back — rise above it. Save your energy for the important stuff … like your platform. And make a point of avoiding anyone who has a habit of attacking you or your work. Simply head off to get more eggnog.
- Try a little empathy. Those who take issue often lack a dream themselves. But don’t waste too much time feeling sorry for them – you’ve got work to do!
- Assume a happy mask of detachment. Think like a seasoned customer service pro who is dealing with one of life’s ‘difficult customers’. Remember, their angst is their problem, not yours. (This goes for those who snipe and attack, as well as the obsessive worriers and the non-stop advice givers.)
- Stop hoping for acceptance. Chances are it simply won’t come from some corners… and that’s OK. (See point #1.) Ultimately, being loved by every soul on the planet is not what matters … nor is it even possible.
- Don’t be smug. You don’t have to be — you’ve got the joy of doing your dream!
- Go have a good primal scream when you’re alone. If you’re in an apartment building or have nearby neighbors, close doors and windows and scream into the pillows on your bed. Scribbling with a big black marker on a big blank pad is marvellously satisfying as well.
- Remember to breathe. You really are doing just what you’re meant to be doing.
- Find an ally. For every negative voice in your life, there should be at least one bona fide cheerleader, as well. Get these folks on your side, and make sure you can contact them whenever you need support – and, of course, offer to provide the same for them.
- Limit your contact with the nay-sayers. Who needs ‘em? Just smile and move on … hey, you’ve got your dream to keep you company!
© Copyright Suzanne Falter-Barns
Learn how to get known so you can not only find your biggest audience but you can attract calls from major media and publishers. Check out Suzanne’s freebie, The Platform Jump Starter, at www.getknownnowblog.com
Relationship Advice on Tap at Calm Space
As some of you would know, I am a regular contributor of relationship advice to The Calm Space, an online magazine that is like "a virtual day-spa for the senses".
This month's theme on The Calm Space is Power and Strength.
In the Relationship Space, (my little corner of The Calm Space world) this month I've been raising awareness of the power women have over the frequency of a couple's sexual activity.
Because, in a non-abusive relationship if the woman says no she doesn’t
want to have sex, then the couple don’t have sex. He might try
wheedling, tickling, kissing, whispering endearments, or a hundred
other possibilities. But if it’s no, then it’s no go! [more]
When I consider this power, I'm reminded of the kid who used to take control of the garden tap when we were all playing under the sprinklers of our childhood.
Did you have a big brother/sister or some neighbourhood kid who ran to
the tap and took control of the flow of water? Turning it up high so
that it sprayed well away from where you stood waiting for that wave of
cool relief. Or turning it off, and torturing you with their
unrelenting grip on the tap – despite all your pleas and angry screams? [more]
And I'm not necessarily suggesting that this power is only about limiting the number of encounters, plenty of women have high libidos which are stronger that their partner's. But the same issue remains, the power to be the one in control of "the tap", deciding when it will be turned on and off, is a power to be used like a benevolent dictator as commenter Angela Esnouf shares. It needs to be used wisely and well.
So I left my readers on The Calm Space with some questions, why not go over and have alook at them? Maybe you've got something to contribute to the conversation that's started over there.
Who took our delightfully reminiscent photo?
