It seems that we Boomers, and even Gen Xers (which always surprises me),  struggle with what to do with our tech-savvy, know-their-own-mind, Gen Y brethren!

As a Relationships Advisor focused more on couples, Gen Xers and Boomers are my target market.  So I don’t have a lot of need to deal with the issue.  But I’m hearing a lot of pain out there.

So my ears pricked up when my friend Ann Buik told me she was going to run a workshop on the topic of Gen Ys in the workplace.  As a workplace leadership expert and executives’ coach, it made sense that she’d have this kind of issue in her armoury of advice.

This workshop was originally planned for earlier this month, but with Ann taking on a new role with my old friend Ross Mitchell from Nesso, and some marketing glitches, it was rescheduled!  I must say I’m very pleased about that.  That means I could get the word out to all of you people in pain!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert.

If you want a better relationship, but don’t know how to get it, then why not follow the beating heart in sidebar of this blog and take the Relationship Mojo Test?  You’ll receive Chris’ free E-Book  Your Relationship: From Mojo to Marvellous to help you improve your relationship.   Oh and there are other bonuses to be found on the other side of that beating heart!

What’s the best kissing memory of your whole life?

Do you believe that long languorous kisses only belong to new lovers?  Or in movies and TV Shows?

Do your long languorous kisses only belong in the bedroom, once you’re married/partnered? Or at least in the privacy of your own home?

Be honest!  Do long languorous kisses still have a regular place in your relationship? Do you at least do them in front of your kids?

What does a long languorous kiss mean to you?

I know it might seem like old Pink Apple has not had enough lip action, not played enough tonsil tiggy, and has generally resorted to getting her pleasures vicariously.  But it’s not true.  I’m perfectly happy with the kissing action in my life.  But my question is, are you?

Kissing is such a funny thing.

Do you remember your first ever romantic kiss?

Girls (and I guess boys) talk about it endlessly when we were teenagers.  I’m guessing that much adolescent (or pre-adolescent -sigh!) effort is put into becoming skilled at it.  How do you do it?  What about noses?  Who moves their head?  How do you breathe?  What about tongues?  It’s all so exciting, and just a bit scary.

We give it all kinds of names.  Snogging, pashing, necking, petting, smooching, sucking face.  Every era has a different name for it!

And then when we become partnered, kissing can become a perfunctory part of every day life.  There’s hellos and goodbyes, and sometimes not even that.  There’s birthday and Christmas kisses.  There’s kisses in the bedroom that are meant to send not-so-subtle messages.

But what happened to kissing for its own sake?

So recently I put one of my Relationship Tips up on the Pink Apple Facebook Fan Page and suggested a long languorous kiss just before you head out the door.

You see, it doesn’t take a lot to make you both stop and remember that this is your “Relationship” as much as it is your daily life.  Try surprising your partner with a long kiss just as you’re about to go out, and what happens?

Now if we assume you don’t suddenly decide to be late for the party and turn around and head for the bedroom…

What happens is that your surprised partner suddenly remembers who you are and why they love you.  The rest of your evening is spent with both of you just slightly distracted and with a secret smile hovering on their lips.  There’s hopes that perhaps the kissing may return when you get home.  You share a tiny little secret between you and the sense of connection between you is heightened.

They all sound like pretty good things for any relationship.

But, of course, you don’t necessarily need to be going out to break the monotony of daily life together, by injecting this spicy kiss into your twosome. It just needs to come at a time when your partner is least expecting it.  It needs to be a sexy kiss at a time when sex is not really an option.  Of course the point is to build some sexual tension/energy.

It could be the morning kiss as you depart for work that gets the long languorous touch!  Or maybe the one in the kitchen while you’re preparing dinner that evening (together of course!) That’s a good one because while your kids may protest at the “obscenity” of their parents being “yucky” or disgusting, the message you send about you as two people who love each other, is REALLY IMPORTANT!  It’s good modelling of positive relating.  And that’s one of your jobs as parents!

Or maybe, you want to be a bit more public and choose the escalator at the local shopping centre, or a lift!

Anyway you get the message …

And maybe you’ve even got some suggestions …

Feel free to leave a comment!

So my challenge to you is to give it a try and see what response you get!  Go slap a kiss on that partner of yours that will take his/her breath away.

Don’t forget to come back and tell us how it went!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.  I add a Relationship Tip there every day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.

The lovely Renee Mayne of  Bra Queen, spied this article in a recent newspaper and, using Facebook, dialled up THIS Relationship Expert for my opinions and advice.  Since then, I notice the bandwagon is rolling along nicely as journalists and bloggers hitch a ride.  So why not me too?

I must say some authors are very good at using audacious claims for getting press and web coverage!  If nothing else you’ve got to give Lori Gottlieb a tick for free-publicity and maybe it’s even given her some income!  Because you see, the author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr Good Enough has fanned feminist flames with a nice little dose of audacity!

What am I talking about?

Well, according to The Age and SMH,  this 40-something author claims women should be accepting Mr Good-Enough over the endless search for Mr Right!

Gottlieb’s theory is that if you’ve hit 30, and still haven’t found Mr Right, then you should take her hard-earned wisdom and settle for Mr Good-Enough.  Once you hit her age, and still haven’t found your man, you’ll be rueing the day in your 30s that you knocked back Mr Uninspiring and Ordinary, and kept dreaming of the idyllic Mr Right!

Becky Hugh, another London journo, passionately responded the next day with We Must Never Stop Searching For Mr Right.  Both she and Gottlieb used fictional characters to develop their arguments quoting Jane Eyre, Mary Tyler Moore, Rachel from Friends, and the ubiquitous  Carrie Bradshaw as demonstrating informed decisions.  Come on ladies!  Enough with the emotive stuff!!!!

Here at Pink Apple, I have no need to sell newspapers with outrageous claims or emotive arguments.

But I’m not ashamed to admit that I welcome a chance to air my thoughts so that you, my readers, can tell if I’m someone you’d look to for Relationship Advice.

Really it’s not about whether I agree with Ms Gottlieb, because I think she’s lassoed the issue and dragged it off over a paddock that’s far from the warmth of the farm.

So let’s see what’s at the farm…

What are the important things about choosing a life partner?

Should there be a checklist of ideal qualities?

Should there be a deal-breaker?  Should that be love?

Pink Apple’s Tips on Choosing The Right Partner

1.  Develop communication skills as a journey not a destination.

You’ll never be perfect at communication skills, any more than you will be perfect at anything else.  Like kicking a footy, knitting a complex pattern, or singing a folk song or an aria, it’s always a mix of a bit of talent and endless bloody hard work.  Seek education and feedback, and monitor your skills with endless attention and development.

2.  Learn how to negotiate effectively and become more comfortable with compromise.

Practise these skills in your workplace, amongst friends, and in your family.  Remember that compromise is NOT lying down and being a door mat, or getting your own way!   Learn to recognise your signs of assertiveness and aggression and cultivate win/win moments wherever you can.

3.  Befriend your values and live them

Reflect on what things you could not bear to be parted from in your life.  These are the clues to your values.  Become familiar with them to the point of knowing where they lie in your priorities.  If there’s any checklist to be had, it’s a checklist for you to ensure you’re living by your values.

4.  Know your problem solving styles

We each go about solving problems with our own unique mix of preferences and aversions.  Knowing which parts of the process are your style and what you’ll actively avoid will help your awareness and develop your capacity for negotiation and compromise.

5.  Feel your feelings

Within all non-work relationships, problem solving cannot happen without each having an awareness of facts, as well as the opinions and feelings of the other.  If you don’t know what you’re feeling or can’t put a name to it, then problem solving is compromised.

6.  Cultivate respect and goodwill

One of the key indicators of lasting relationships is not if/how we fight but instead our capacity to heal the relationship after conflicts.  That’s when respect and goodwill become critical ingredients to our ability to create and nurture healing.

7. Learn how to fight.

Picking your battles is the first step in fighting fairly.  Running your negative reactions through the will-this-matter-in-12-months-time meter, is another important element.  Finally if you need to fight then learn to manage your emotions and be ready to go back after the fight and seek to solve the problem

8.   Recognise what you are tolerating in your life and allowing to sap your energy.

Tolerations are the things we put up with even though they conflict with our core values.  Because tolerations commonly fly beneath our conscious radar, they will drain us of emotional energy.  Regularly review your tolerations and declutter them from your physical, environmental, mental and emotional lives.

9.  Be the Right Partner

Show up to every person you meet as the authentic you.  Love yourself, appreciate yourself, take responsibility for meeting your own needs as a matter of daily habit.  You show up as a real and attractive person and not a needy one.

You’ll notice it’s all about being the best you, you can be.

So whether Mr Right has a cute bum, cooks well, loves kids, or is dedicated to work/life balance won’t really matter.

Being the best you you can be will ensure that self-awareness directs your decisions.

(If you struggle with building these skills in being the best you, then seek some professional help.  And keep your eyes open for upcoming Pink Apple Teleseminars!)

Finally, yes love is an essential part of the selection mix. And if I had a couple in front of me, for whom love was not a primary driver , then yes I’d see it as a deal-breaker!

But there was one thing I did agree with in Amy Willis’ article in The Age.  She sought advice from Prof Cary Cooper, a psychologist at Lancaster University:

… women unable to find their dream man should not see themselves as settling for second best.

He said: “No man or woman has all the characteristics you would look for; it would be a miracle to find your number one.

“You have to find somebody with as many good characteristics as possible. The main problem is that many people haven’t worked out what those characteristics are. People need to sit down and work out what they want and then go looking for someone who at least ticks some of your top priorities.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you’d rather, we can meet up on Facebook. All you need to do is become a Fan of Pink Apple on FaceBook.  I add a Relationship Tip there every day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen is Pink Apple and a bubbly Aussie Relationship Expert. If you’re a Mum who wants a better relationship, but doesn’t know how to get it, then why not get started by taking the Relationship Mojo Test and get Chris’ free Audio Interview about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.

Weddings are now part of life at Casa Pink Apple.  We have three adult sons.  We've already had one wedding, and it's likely there'll  be a couple more. 

Our friends have sons and daughters contemplating the aisle.  Our sons have friends marrying all over the place as well.  In fact, we're baby-sitting our granddaughter next weekend while our son and daughter-in-law attend a wedding.

And after all, as my friends in wedding celebrancy and other wedding businesses tell me, it's wedding season!

That's why I was out on Saturday, in the middle of wedding season. 

I watched a couple whom I've known for many years.  My son was Best Man to his mate from high school days.  I've known the groom for 15+ years and his wife for at least 10.  (They've been going out for 12 years, they tell me!)

To watch them marry was bound to make me reflective, trawling back through my own memories and memories of them.

In fact there's so much to reflect on I thought we might explore the topic in a series of posts. 

Want to join me?

Let's start with the personal.  You, me and a few others.

When I look back on my wedding the thing I remember first is the  that filled the day. 

I was marrying the man I loved.  But the first man I ever loved – my dad – had died just 3 months before. I'd set my original wedding date in the hope that he could be there.  But the cancer got him and swept him away leaving me the only daughter to miss his proud smiling face at her wedding.  I look at my sister's wedding photos, even today, with a tinge of envy at their good fortune.

But it was also the only day my Mum ever brought me breakfast in bed. It was so touching, right down to the freshly cut flower on the tray! Apparently it was a little gift she'd given each of my sister's on their wedding days too.  I felt special, even as I looked at the sadness in her eyes at the aching absence of my dad!

Another thing I remember is feeling exhausted but pumped with adrenaline and finding it hard to get to sleep that night back at our upmarket hotel! 

Not helped by room service taking an hour to bring us some extra pillows!  To this day, SweetP has been convinced they were trying to play silly buggers with the newlyweds.  After all, we couldn't DO anything in case they came to the door.  So we sat twiddling our thumbs for an hour waiting for room service to zip upstairs and then leave us alone!

What about YOU?

When you think back to your wedding, what's the first thing you remember?  Share some of your wedding memories please?

See you soon

Chris

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris Owen is a Relationship Advisor and owner of Pink Apple  -  the place to go if you're interested in Better Relationships.

Make sure you've signed up for Pink Apple's enewsletter because it's those people who will get the best deals when Pink Apple's Relating Better programs are released.  Sign up in the top right corner of this site.

Over at Joyful Jubilant Learning Network it’s an excuse to go delving into seven fine qualities.

• Listen — welcome new ideas and every teacher, listening fully opened
• Laugh — with the positive and uplifting joy others are ready to give you
• Learn — with childlike curiosity and in a collaboratively jubilant way
• Link — use others’ lessons learned as a springboard for your own, sharing your knowledge freely
• Love — tap into your passion for learning, and be of loving heart in your new bonds with others
• Live — be a shining example of the Lifelong Learner; “Be the learner you want to see in the world”
• Leap — to a new experience, stretching past the familiar, accepting leaps of higher intuition. Allow learning to transform you.

So why not join us in our Big Hairy Audacious Goal for Saturday 07-07-07 and Listen, Laugh, Learn, Link, Love, Live, and Leap to Wonder.

How?

On 07-07-07 we are determined to collect at least 777 Learning Links, possibly more.

So go and add into the comments section of JJLN seven links that illustrate those qualities of Listen, Laugh, Learn,  Link, Love,  Live, and Leap,  to Wonder.

Here are the ones I’ll be adding over there!

Listening to this man turn his fear and trepidation into magic to be shared and success for himself was a truly inspiring few minutes.  Thanks to Leah MacLean for sharing it with us all.  (I’ve just replayed it and the goosebumps are still prickling.  This is WORTH listening to.)

The Relationship Advisor and blogger in me liked this. I laughed heartily.

By implication, for us to learn there needs to be something to learn from.  One of the first places we learn is from our parents.  For those starting in a relationship, it’s a good idea to analyse what worked for our parents (or not), so that we can learn from their mistakes.

One of the most precious links I have in my blogging world is that with Karen Wallace, The Calm Coach. She generously shared my excitement as starting up this new blog, Apple Tart, with her readership.  Thanks Karen for more things than you could ever imagine.   And isn’t her site so PEACEFUL?

One of the secret ingredients to Unconditional Love is to start with loving yourself unconditionally.  Confidence is wrapped up in that package.  Anne Maybus over at The Tall Poppy started a string of post around the blogosphere aimed at Confidence in a Box.

Most of us wonder at what is Living.   Carolyn Manning over at Thoughts and Philosophies  recently  reflected on it.

Leaping as a concept makes me fearful.  But it never stops me from leaping in where angels fear to tread – especially with an opinion